Just A Little Fairy Dust

NomNoms: Chili Pork Verde Recipe

2011-12-05T20:44:00.017-05:00

Randomly I got a craving for Chili Pork Verde. I think Diners,Drive-ins, & Dives is starting to take over my subconscious. Either way..on to my version!

You'll need:
1 Small Pork Shoulder about 2-3lbs. (This was for 2 with leftovers)
1/2 Tbsp of Cilantro Paste
Garlic (I don't measure my seasonings, I do it by eye)
Pepper
Adobo
Salt
1 Jar of Salsa Verde
1 can of Roasted Green Chiles

Seasonings:

Next add Salt, Pepper, Garlic, and Adobo to your pork and let marinate in this dry mixture overnight. Some people don't like the taste of Adobo, you can skip that and try maybe some Cumin if you want a deeper flavor.

Place the meat,cilantro paste, green chiles, and the Salsa Verde in your cold crock pot. Mix. Set on High and go about your business!

I never cook on Low so, I'm not sure how long it would take but I did this on High for 4, 4.5 hours so I'm going to say 6-7 hours on low.

The finished product! It's nothing fancy but seriously it was amazing and will definitely be a staple in our household. We had it with black beans that had mexican cheese and sour cream on top, some lettuce, and rice.

Happy Eating!

Rave & Rant: Old Navy Rockstar Jeggings

2011-12-05T20:28:00.003-05:00

Okay so everyone and their mom who shops at Old Navy knows about the Rockstar super skinny jeggings. My go to jean used to be the Daredevil Skinny jean by Guess. I gained 7lbs over the past 3 yrs and those jeans no longer fit me, size 32. They also cost $98 which means I will get my ass into them again because that's like $400 in my drawer sitting there waiting to be worn! Moving along I needed an alternative that was actually skinny.

American Eagle jeggings are pretty tight but not tight enough for me I want to say the leg opening might be 13inches. I prefer an 11 or 12inch leg opening. So boom I come across the Rockstars! They were on sale for $20 so I scooped them up in the color "Ruby" which is actually Navy Blue. Here I am in them last week in Atlantic City.

I wear a size 14 in these as opposed to a 16 in the American Eagle ones. They are the regular ones not High Rise. They fit perfectly into boots and more importantly they don't get baggy. I LOVE THEM!

RANT: I went back to Old Navy on Black Friday to get two more pair, size 14, in Black and Dark Wash. I put them on and they were literally swimming on me. I did not shrink! Their clothing size is very inconsistent. Please try them on you very well may need a smaller size. I'm actually going to order a 14 Petite and see how that goes. You can get them here: Old Navy Rockstar Jeans.

When One Door Opens...

2011-12-05T20:20:00.003-05:00

So of course as soon as I get engaged..I lose my job. It was a long term temp assignment which turned into a freelance gig, which turned into some extremely shady shiz! This is why I never trust people when they say they are going to do something. Plus my Nana had a stroke, she is okay now though thank goodness. In the meantime I'm still trying to go ahead with my wedding plans the only problem is I can't decide if I want it here or if I want a "Weddingmoon." For the record my fiance is paying for NOTHING regarding this wedding. He couldn't care less if we have an actual wedding so therefore if you don't pay for anything, you get no say. So I get to decide everything on my own. This is good and bad. All he has said is that he wants it in the fall, so late September is when our wedding will be.

Now that I'm not working AGAIN..I just don't know what to do. I do have some things coming in the mail from Forever 21, UrbanOg, and Jewelmint though! Gifts from my honey. Can I just say that I ordered my things in the order I wrote them and yet Jewelmint shipped first, followed by UrbanOg and Forever 21 hasn't even shipped my things yet! I know it was Black Friday but come on.. Anyway I can't make promises but I hope to churn out some posts!

Engaged!

2011-07-24T18:04:00.001-04:00

He proposed last night before we went out to dinner!

Now let the fun of planning begin!

Inglot Haul

2011-07-20T12:04:00.005-04:00

Ah my first purchase from Inglot! These shadows are so buttery smooth and extremely pigmented! I was going to get a palette of 5 but I couldn't pick out another color for my neutral theme so I settled with a quad. I believe I paid around $26 for this.

Clockwise from Top Left: D.S. (Double Sparkle) 465, Pearl 423, Matte 330, and Matte 329

Tomorrow...shoes!

2011-07-11T20:40:00.001-04:00

Aren't these cute?! I hope they're comfortable I'm gonna run to Forever 21 and pick them up tomorrow, hopefully they have my size! Get 'em yourself!

My New Watch

2011-07-05T17:03:00.003-04:00

I love watches. I got so annoyed when someone recently asked me why I wanted a watch when I have a cellphone. Sometimes I think cavemen still walk amongst us.

On my quest to find a nice summer white watch with a ceramic look but not a ceramic price, I settled on the Fossil Stella Large Resin watch in White with Rose Gold colored accents. I'm not a big fan of rose gold but I wanted something warmer because I usually only wear silver or white gold jewelry.

It is big and you may need to have a link or two taken out if you have a small wrist
Can be purchased from Macy's or Fossil.com for $115.

Shoes Haul

2011-07-05T16:28:00.006-04:00

Warning..my feet look busted. I was on vacation in Florida and so they are not only fried but the sand, the flip flops..I'm just counting down the hours until my paraffin pedicure on Thursday. So is my bf he's tired of my sandpaper feet lol. I digress...I love shoes. Shoes are hit and miss. Sometimes you can find a really good cheap shoe, usually I go to Aldo to get my heels but here are two pairs of shoes I got recently for cheap!

The Dolce Vita for Target Rope Sandals. Everyone has these and now I know why. These are the most comfortable sandals ever!You can purchase them in a Target store if you can find them or online for $29.99.

The second pair which are my work heels or my going out shoes when I don't feel like towering over my friends(all my friends are under 5'10 male and female, we're like troop of trolls.I got them at Payless and surprisingly they are very comfortable!

Unfortunately, I rarely find them in the color I own which is a nice light pink color but the Black is still easy to find. They are a patent faux leather. You can purchase them at any Payless or online for $27.99.

I think I'm going to go buy these in Black but I am on the hunt for a nude platform pump with a big platform. The pump I'm wearing has a small hidden platform in the shoe which is why it's so comfortable.

Happy Tuesday!

The Dress Options

2011-06-26T14:07:00.007-04:00

So far I'm in love with these two dresses and have been for a while. Now I'm a planner I do things in advance. I've read so many different things about when you should buy your dress. My wedding will be in May 2012 so I guess I won't actually be purchasing my dress for a few months and that's fine but I just want to have something picked out. I actually hate the process of shopping. I always browse online before I hit a store because it's overwhelming to me. I was sold on ballgowns at first but as I'm having a small wedding about 50 or so people, to me that sort of dress just doesn't seem to go with the occasion. Also even though I'm overweight at the moment, I am an hourglass shape and I will be losing at least 20lbs for my wedding but hopefully 30lbs! So my fav look is actually something more fitted. I still,however,do love some A-line dresses.

I love love love this one. It was the sort of dress I was totally against but now it's just amazing to me.

This is #2

(No matter how I edit them, they won't show the whole dress.)Simple, but just enough sparkle. I don't really understand the need for "bling" all over a dress. It's a wedding dress, not a dress for the stripper pole. Don't get me started on those ugly Pnina Tornai monstrosities!

I'm sure I'll look at more but #1 just owns my heart.

My Engagement Ring

2011-06-26T13:56:00.005-04:00

So, I'm on a roll right now. I decided to show you what will be my engagement ring because honestly, I have no idea what sort of band to put with this ring and I was hoping someone would see my little blog and help me out.

I really wish they had an angle that showed you the front of this ring. There is another exactly like this but princess cut which does show the front. Mine will be a radiant cut. Actually I'm just going to post the princess cut just to give you an idea of what I mean.

It's sort of ornate, I definitely didn't think I was going to go for something vintage but we kept looking at rings and I liked them but when I saw this ring I actually had an emotional reaction...I teared up ya'll. I'm not that sort of girl so I knew this was it. Band suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

I Suck..I know.

2011-06-26T13:48:00.002-04:00

I am the worst blogger ever. I can't even look at the last blog I've written, because looking at the date of it will just make me recoil in horror at how terrible I am when it comes to keeping up with this thing. I have two reasons for my absence 1) I actually was employed. Finding a job in NYC is an absolute nightmare. I'm still looking for something permanent. 2) Sims 3. I'm not even going to explain myself for this one.

Exciting things have happened since then namely....my boyfriend and I are now in the process of shopping for my engagement ring!!! I am so excited! I've pretty much found my dream ring and we're going to the jewelers this week to begin the process of having it made. My bf will not tell me when exactly it's going to happen all I know is the latest it would happen is Sept 3, which is our 3 year anniversary. I've pretty much narrowed it down to two dresses. I know I'm not even engaged yet, you're probably like is she nuts? But our wedding will be next May and I have approx 30lbs to lose between now and then. The dresses come in my current size but that ain't happening! I'll save those for the next post.

Being employed for a while means I did a lot of shopping so I actually have some things to show. It's hard to run a blog for makeup and stuff when you are broke lol.

E.L.F. Brightening Eyeshadow Quads in Brownstone & Butternut

2011-01-11T00:18:00.003-05:00

In addition to ordering the E.L.F. Complete Coverage Concealer I also wanted to try these E.L.F. Eye Brightening Color Quads in Brownstone and Butternut. I mean they are a dollar so why not right? Let's jump to it so I can compare these two quads and discuss which one I like better.

When I first looked at these two online, I really didn't think there would be much of difference. Even looking at the pictures here, they both look like they have similar finishes. However, let me tell you now that I vastly prefer the Brownstone quad to the Butternut quad. The Butternut quad is warmer and more orange and I don't know if it's because I have red/orange undertones, but all of these colors come out very bronzey and golden on my eyes. That second color in Butternut is just...working my nerve!Ugh!

I was so disappointed.'I don't need more bronzes because MAC Amber Lights is my holy grail bronze, so I don't even look at other colors like that. Plus I wanted something I could just throw in my makeup bag that I could complete an eye look with and that went with everything. I actually bought this quad at Target and then ordered the Brownstone one a couple of days later. As you can see the Brownstone quad is more matte than the very shimmery Butternut quad. It's absolutely perfect for a neutral eye and these were all put on top of Laura Geller Spackle Primer.

Brownstone yay! Butternut nay!

E.L.F. Complete Coverage Concealer in Dark Review and Swatch

2011-01-10T23:53:00.004-05:00

Hey everyone! I waited so long for this to come out. I got the E.L.F. Complete Coverage Concealer in Dark. For a long time E.L.F. had Light and Medium, but not my color, as usual the browner colors always come out last. These are extremely creamy! When you open the package you can see how glistening and moist they are. I feel that these have very good coverage and a great consistency. Each color comes with 4 colors in it for you to mix and match allowing you to create your own perfect shade(s). I feel like it's perfect for someone like me who just needs to cover my under eye circles.

Like all of the Studio line products, it comes in this sleek black case

As I stated before when I opened it up I could see just how creamy the product was:

I swiped the tiny brush it came with about 2-3 times in each color and then swatched it on my hand. I definitely feel like a little bit of this product goes a long way when using a patting motion under the eye as opposed to any sort of swiping motion like I did on the back of my hand:

As you can see the two darkest colors are extremely red. The first two however are perfect for me, the first color being what I would start with to brighten it, and the second color I would use to even it out to more of my skin tone.

For $3 you can't beat that, however I probably wouldn't repurchase again, because I can't use those other two colors at all.

Wow it's been a while...

2010-12-17T23:31:00.003-05:00

Well although I'm still unemployed *shakes fist at NYC job market* thanks to my lovely family I still get to buy stuff! I've been neglecting this blog so badly I know, but it's so depressing to bust your arse for 4 years, graduate, and then be stuck looking for work.However it's been 2 months since a blog post and that's extremely unacceptable! Either way I have some post coming up.

-Forever 21/Love 21 Haul including clothing, shoes, jewelry, and beauty.
-Charlotte Russe accessory haul
-Maybelline Fit Me Foundation Swatch & Review. (I'm most excited for this one!)

I always say I want to do clothing hauls and then I never do, know why? We don't have a full length mirror in my house,insanity I know, and I don't want to ask my mom to take pics of me because that seems weird lol.

Also I see I have new followers,so heyyy new people!!!

Okay over and out until I get back home Sunday and start working on being a better blogger!

E.L.F. Endless Eyes Pro Mini Eyeshadow Palette Review & Swatches

2010-10-18T21:16:00.007-04:00

Hey everyone. So I needed a new kabuki brush badly and I was really interested in the E.L.F. kabuki brush, however I was not interested in paying shipping for that one item alone. Instead I waited and finally decided to pick up the E.L.F. Endless Eyes Pro Mini Eyeshadow Palette, with 32 eye shadows, the face kabuki from the studio line, and Socialite Mineral Eyeshadow. This palette only cost $5 so I wasn't expecting much but I also figured hey why not? I was pleasantly surprised with them. You do have to pack on the color a little bit, a few of them (the mattes mainly) do have fall out and are very soft. They all are nicely textured however and I'm quite happy with the purchase.

On to the swatches! Everything swatched on top of NYX Jumbo Pencil in Milk (click them to make larger):

The first row,is the row that I like the least. I just felt that the colors didn't really come out very well, with the exception of the color that practically mimics my skin tone, I can use that for basic smokey eyes. Well that's all folks!

Faith 21 is Changing Its Name....And I'm Not Happy!!!

2010-10-15T14:20:00.007-04:00

I'm just gonna come right out and say it: This is a dumbass idea.

I was more than thrilled when Forever 21 launched,Faith 21, its plus sized line. I can wear most things from Forever 21 pretty much, but forget about getting into their jeans. I don't consider myself plus sized,I wear a size 12-14, but that's another story. What I really liked was that it had a simple name just like the other lines Twelve by Twelve, Heritage 1981..etc. It felt like they simply were just putting on a new addition and I had no qualms about it. However some genius decided that it would be better to call Faith 21, Forever 21+. Oh gee!!! It's like Forever 21 but MOREEE! No. This is a failboat all around. All this does is marginalize the girls and women who need to shop the Faith 21 line, instead of feeling like they were just shopping for cute clothes, now we must be reminded again that we are not the "standard" and that hey you're a plus..how about you become less. This is infuriating to me.

What was so wrong with the name Faith 21? All the Forever 21 lines have their own little names and none of the names really indicate what that line is about. Heritage 1981 is cutesy stuff. Twelve by Twelve is frilly lacy stuff..Love 21,which I do love, is just labeled as contemporary. Love 21 clothing is cut bigger than Forever 21 clothing but it's not Love 21: For you inbetweeners.

I know I'm ranting, but it's things like this that make people dislike themselves. It doesn't matter what size you are clothes shopping can be a painful process. I used to be a size 4 and I remember what was annoying to me then and now at a size 12/14 I know what's a pain now. If the healthy/unhealthily skinny is not marginalized, why must the healthy/unhealthily not normal sized or plus sized girl be either. Being too skinny will never have the same stigma as being too big. I remember being called a twig, being told to eat, but it never hurt as much as the insults about being chubby were.
Way to effin go Forever 21.

Maybelline Dream Smooth Mousse in Caramel Review

2010-08-28T21:03:00.003-04:00

Hey people! So I had been going back and forth about buying this product, I saw it in the store so many times but I just kept passing it by. It's so hyped up that I just caved in and decided to buy it when I saw it at the cheapest price, which was in Walmart. I purched the Maybelline Dream Smooth Mousse in 350 Caramel.

I decided to apply it with my E.L.F. Powder Brush, first time using it by the way and it is absolutely AMAZING!

So here is a picture of my face with absolutely no makeup on besides eyeliner:

And....here I am wearing the Maybelline Dream Smooth Mousse:

AHEM...DO YOU SEE THE COLOR OF MY FACE?!
This is the same lighting and it's making me look like a green ghost! When I looked at myself in the mirror after I put it on I though it looked fine and I was pleased with it, but in this photo my goodness it's absolutely horrid. I don't know if it needs to oxidize some or what. I'm going to take another photo in a few minutes, which would be about 20-30 min after I initially put it on. Even with a bronzer on top I still look like Casper =( I think this has something to do with the makeup having a very obvious yellow undertone. I'm a neutral/cool toned person (plus I am hella tanned right now). My cheeks are lighter than my face from smiling a lot, but the rest of my face is quite ruddy red brown in tone. I honestly think that I will make this a concealer or something if it continues to be this way.

Pros:
Creamy
Good texture, glides on effortlessly.
Nice medium coverage (for me) that can be built up to a full coverage.
Cons:
Gives a gray cast to my skin in photos.
Not as dewy a look as my favorite foundation, Revlon Photoready.
Yellow undertone not suitable for everyone.

E.L.F. Beauty Book Neutral Eye Edition Swatches

2010-08-05T14:50:00.007-04:00

So I was at Target, of course, and I was like hey what is this?! I saw all the shadows it included and just tossed it in my cart.

So excited..then I got home and !!!!! #5 in the palette was broken! I had to take my time and try to press it back together as well as I possibly could.

I've never used any eye shadows from E.L.F. besides the Studio ones so I really wasn't sure what the quality of these was going to be like, but they are surprisingly good! I numbered each one so I could rate them and describe the color.
1. Is basically a highlight color. It's more of a yellowy-white based shimmer color with good texture, it is a tiny bit chalky as are #5 and #9.
2. A beautiful light golden shimmer.
3. Without a doubt a true gold, I can't wait to use this color.
4. This swatched darker than I expected. Sort of a grey-purple color with golden shimmer undertones.
5. Another highlight, I feel this one is very similar to #1 just slightly darker in tone.
6. A pretty pale pink shimmer, this one isn't chalky at all and is perfect for blending.
7. A darker pink shimmer, similar to #6.
8. A nice rich plum color, it's practically matte but there are the tiniest bits of shimmer, definitely way less shimmery than the rest.
9. The perfect highlight color for my skintone, a sort of light peachy shimmer.
10. I don't know how to describe this color. A peachy-corally shimmer. It's my favorite color out of this palette.
11. A light magenta color, not a lot of shimmer, takes a little bit of work to get this color to swatch properly.
12. This color comes out as a brownish purple, it's like #8 in that isn't completely matte, but pretty close. A good crease color.

For $5 this is a really good deal. It also came with an eyeliner that is also a purpley-brown color. I won't be using that, I only use black eyeliner. This also comes in a Smokey Eye Edition and an Eye Brights Edition.

I Miss My Blog

2010-07-29T14:44:00.002-04:00

I have missed my blog so much. Writing my English undergraduate thesis has taken so much out of me, fortunately I am a few pages away from completing that and then I will officially be done with college, yay! I also had some personal issues that were keeping me down and I just wasn't in the mood to do anything. It was my birthday last week(can't believe I'm 24)so I got some goodies! I have so much stuff to talk about regarding all the clothing and makeup I've acquired, and will be acquiring soon. I just put in an order from ELF and I also purchased some from my local Target. I have no daylight in my apartment so while my I'm at my boyfriend's this weekend, I will take advance of his huge living room windows and ample amounts of sunlight. So new post soon!

Lauren ♥

E.L.F. Haul!!!

2010-06-14T18:21:00.004-04:00

I just did my blog over! It took me all day, partly because I was drinking beer and eating tasty food :) I think it came out quite nice, wouldn't you agree? I'm fortunate enough to have a Target near me that sells E.L.F. However, they only stock the same colors over and over again and I waited a whole like six months for them to get new stuff in and it never came! Just the same stuff. Well a few weeks ago if you subscribe to E.L.F. they had this thing where you could click and it would randomly give you a percentage off...well ladies I got 50% off! How could I not buy anything?! I didn't get too crazy, here's what I got.

Let's start with the thing that I wanted most, the E.L.F Studio Bronzer in Warm $3.

I am a bronzer addict, I don't deny that. I cannot leave the house without black eyeliner and bronzer. Lots of brown skinned women think bronzer isn't for them but I love looking glowy.Bronzer can really make you look sunkissed and healthy no matter what your skintone. Just don't overdo it, we can't all be glorious like Queen Snooki. Now for this one I don't know, I may have to use a lighter hand or maybe mix it with another bronzer otherwise it's going to end up being a highlight for me, look how shimmery it is:

Either way it has a really nice texture, it wasn't powdery and as you can see it is not glittery, but shimmery.

Next up was the Shimmering Facial Whip in "Toasted"
Here you can see the size of it based on my hand (I have small hands). I also wanted to show the tip because I love these kind of tips on products like this i was afraid it was going to come with a doefoot or brush like my stupid Smashbox Highlighter(that I hate btw).

It looks darker when you first squeeze it out like this:

I could have blended it out more but I wanted you to see it. Some people were complaining that this stuff was pasty. It is not pasty at all, it's a thick liquid, but definitely blendable. It reminded me of a tinted moisturizer consistency. I love it.

I also got the E.L.F. Studio Eyeshadow in "Amethyst"

I can't even tell you how I have been drooling over this eyeshadow! It's extremely well textured, it's blendable, the color is freaking fantastic! I have like 4 purple eyeshadows but none were doing it for me. This is my HG purple shadow.

I bought other things too, the Wet Gloss Lash and Brow Clear Mascara, for my unruly brows and my eyelashes. This is really good if you have allergies, like me, and your eyes tend to irritate you and you're constantly bothering them. Now you can have neat lashes and not end up with smudges! I got a mirror, a tiny concealer brush, and a blending eye brush. Since everything was half off, I got everything for $12.95, this includes shipping! Listen personally, I have a problem ordering from E.L.F. because they only offer free shipping when you buy $75 worth of stuff. It's like what?..your products are a damn dollar how much stuff can one person possibly buy!? I digress..ladies when E.L.F has coupons take advantage of it, right now they're offering $1.98 shipping for orders $20 and more. Treat yourself!

Wet N Wild Color Icon Palette in "Lust"

2010-05-09T20:19:00.006-04:00

Wow let me just say that when it comes to Wet n Wild...I have been a complete and utter snob about it. It's not a brand that I usually pay attention to except for buying eyeliner. I'm going on vacation in 3 days and I wanted something that could give me different looks in one container. I'm still going to bring like a green, blue, and peach shadow along anyway. I cannot tell you how shocked I am with the quality of these shadows.

Here they are in their nice clear packaging:

Here they are again but opened:

My flash makes the two top colors look exactly alike, and for the most part they are except the one to the right has shimmer to it.

Here in the swatch you can see the difference better{click to make larger}:

My favorites, based on the swatches, are the 2nd, 5th, and 6th colors across. The shimmer in these is the perfect amount and I am so glad it is not a chunky glitter, because I hate that! For the most part I think I will use the matte light pinkish color for the corners of my eyes and the shimmery light color as a highlight when doing purple looks. The eyeshadow itself can be a tiny bit powdery, but it is nothing that would deter me from purchasing this again, you just have to be delicate when picking up the color.

I've been trying to get into purples lately because supposedly it brings out brown eyes. We shall see.

I paid $4.99 for this from Duane Reade.

My Favorite Blushes!

2010-05-07T11:48:00.004-04:00

College is over! Hooray!!!! More time for important things like makeup, clothing and vacation.

I have always owned blushes, but I never wore them. For some reason I felt like I looked like a clown or that brown skinned women just really couldn't pull of blush. Well how wrong I was! I now love my blushes and always wear them, coupled with bronzer of course! I'm such a bronzer addict!!!

So here is a run down of the blushes that I own, I happen to adore every single one of them.

E.L.F. Blush & Bronzed - This is a very coral/peachy color. It also has a decent amount of sparkle to it which reflects golden tones. Can be a little powdery. The pigmentation is decent, you can definitely layer. $3.00 at Target and on EyesLipsFace.com
Rimmel 032 Plum Blush - This is similar to the E.L.F. color except minus the sparkle. Has nice pigmentation and is not powdery. $5-6 depending on store.
NYX Powder Blush PB14 Spice - On my skintone I find this to be my perfect babydoll pink sort of color. It blends out so nicely and it is perfect for when I want a matte look. I definitely recommend this one it has great pigmentation. $5 on Cherry Culture.
L'oreal True Match C7-8 Spiced Plum - Like I said I love them all, but this one is the one I love the least. It's a nice mauve pink, with no sparkle. It is very pigmented and goes on effortlessly. I just happen to prefer the more coral pinks. $8-9 depending on store.
NARS Crazed - This is my "I am going out tonight!" blush. I bought this way back when the whole NARS Orgasm craze(no pun intended) started but for some reason I wasn't impressed by the color (The Rimmel & E.L.F. colors are similar to Orgasm though) so instead I got this. You already know it's super pigmented! It has a nice amount of sparkle and the deeper pink/magenta color of this blush is perfect for my nights out. You can never go wrong with a NARS blush. $26 everywhere.

I think for my next set like this I am going to do my bronzers! I'm also going to (FINALLY!!) post pictures of some clothing I am taking on vacation to help jumpstart me posting pictures of clothes in general. Since I am a more full figured gal, I'm a size 12-14, I want to show that cute & sexyness is not reserved for size 4's and that you don't have to be restricted to Target to find your clothes!

Happy thoughts,
Lauren ♥

Mini NYX Haul

2010-03-09T15:43:00.006-05:00

So the beauty supply store around the corner from my house, now actually has a NYX section! They don't have any lipsticks, but they do have the Round Glosses, the eyeshadow trios, the bronzer and some other things. Bad for my pockets! I bought 3 things plus some nail polishes and it came to $27, yikes!

So on my continued quest to find more blushes, I decided to pick up a NYX blush. These look so different in person than the swatches on CherryCulture or on the NYX website, they even look different from swatches I have seen made in other people's blogs and on YouTube. I picked NYX Powder Blush in Spice. It was $4.99, cheapest price I've seen for these yet.

It sort of reminded me in the pan of one my favorite blushes, Rimmel's Berry. When I swatched it on my hand though I went whoa! It is so much more pigmented than Rimmel's blush.

I really love this I can't wait to wear it out.

Next I picked up what I thought was a NYX Jumbo Eye Pencil, but turned out to be a NYX Jumbo Lip Pencil in Vanilla Ice.

Gorgeous! I don't care if it's for lips, I'm still using this as a base/highlight for my eyeshadow. These things are just so creamy and pigmented and for $1.49 how can you beat that?

Lastly I picked up something I have been wanting for a while. I currently use Laura Geller's Undereye concealer and to be frank, her makeup line doesn't really cater to people my color, so I end up looking like this:
See under my right(your left) eye? I hate that! I would have to mix it with my Laura Mercier Tinted Moisturizer to balance and even that wasn't enough. It ended up looking cakey. So now I have this!
The NYX Concealer in a Jar in Chestnut.Haven't used it yet, but I put some on my hand and oh my word is this stuff creamy! It has a faint smell, but it doesn't stink. Everything I've read so far said that this should be dabbed on, and not applied with a finger, which is what I usually do. So now I suppose I must use a concealer brush.

I originally went in there to pick up an Organic Root Stimulator Replenishing Pak (that's how it's spelled), this is hands down the best conditioner ever.Just an FYI! A tiny pack is $1.69 and a bottle of it is about $5-6. While I was in there wasting my gambling money (the booboo and I are going to Atlantic City in 2 days, yay!) I noticed these beautiful nail art polishes. I had to get them I plan on making little flowers, polka dots, and colorful French mani/pedis once it gets warm.

Left to right: Bikini Coral, Soft Pink, Soft Purple, & Soft Blue.

So like I mentioned I'm going to Altlantic City, for anyone who doesn't live near A.C. and doesn't know much about it, pardon me for what I'm about to say. When you go to A.C. it is expected that you will ho-stroll. Heels, cleavage, skirts, etc. Even if you're there with your boyfriend, you just get gussied up. We like to go to the more expensive hotels, Harrah's and the Borgata. It's always a good time and since it's Spring Break week I'm expecting it will be extra fun! In honor of this I picked up......
I will be trying this out and giving out a full in depth review of this once I return from A.C. over the weekend. One thing I will say already is that the darker colors of this line are indeed red based. I have red undertones all over my face except for my cheeks so I'm skeptical about this, I hope it works!

Ciao bellas ♥

NYX "Mermaid Green" Single Eyeshadow is...

2010-02-02T19:49:00.003-05:00

...NOT a dupe for MAC "Humid!!!

Okay let me start by saying that I ordered this based off of a picture I saw on YouTube. I thought wow that's a really pretty color and it looks like nothing I have. Then I went on Specktra.net. It was there I kept reading over and over again how "Mermaid Green" is a dupe for "Humid." I must have saw this on like 5 different dupe list on there and I've seen it on many on other websites.
It's just simply not true. Take a look at these colors next to each other:
This is it just regular no photo adjustments.

This is it with the Auto-fix color corrector.

Swatched on my hand.

In what world are these two dupes for each other?I mean I've seen some people call it a possible dupe, but I don't even think it's possibly a dupe. I think people are just going with this because it is the darkest green that NYX carries. "Mermaid Green" is much more of a blueish based green as opposed to yellow. It also is lighter/more pastel somewhat. "Humid" is a fierce forest green. I don't know if NYX changed this color as I've heard people lately complaining that their favorite colors are now very different due to the new formulations. I just wanted to put it out there that if you think you're gonna get the same color as MAC "Humid" you're not.

Lauren ♥

NYX Single Eyeshadows & Swatches

2010-02-02T19:16:00.007-05:00

So yay I finally ventured into the world of NYX E/S singles! I have like 5 trios that I have depotted and placed into a MAC palette, but I kept hearing that the singles had better pigmentation so I decided to give them a try. These are the colors that I got:

Top row: Red Head, Hot Pink, Orange. Bottom row: Mermaid Green & Jungle Fever.(oops Mermaid is upside down!)
"Red Head" scared me at first. I mean look how bright it is, it's like a super intense version of MAC "Sushi Flower" and it has no shimmer. This color is super pigmented and it feels very creamy. These all feel creamy & are pigmented so I won't repeat that again.

"Hot Pink" is just such a lovely pink color. I'd say it leans towards the matte side.There is no outright shimmer or frost,just the faintest hint. I could see making a nice pink and brown smokey look with this. Pink & brown is one of my favorite color combos so I need to get experimenting with this one.

This is" Orange". I got this color because they ran out of Apricot Moose and they looked sort of similar so why not right? It's definitely on the more peachy side than straight up orange. I think I can make it pop if it's on a primer. I definitely love the color though.

"Jungle Fever" is a beautiful pastel teal. It looks way more frosty here because I swiped on a lot of color, but its a really pretty color.

Last up is "Mermaid Green" this color surprised me the most (and I'll tell you why in the next post) I wouldn't call this a forest green as I've seen it described by a lot of people, it's more like a minty green with a slight hint of frost. It's beautiful and I have so many shirts this color, I can't wait to do some looks. I'm branching out away from my nude tones!

Rimmel Swatches!

2010-02-02T18:55:00.003-05:00

Hi everyone! Up and running again so I won't waste a moment. There have been all these crazy drugstore sales going on so I decided that I would go in and check stuff out. I actually ended up only getting two things from Duane Reade, because I'm trying to behave! It's so difficult, my boyfriend keeps inquiring about packages that arrive at his house every so often. He just doesn't understand, I need (ok want) these things badly! So I went to the Rimmel section to look for my HG lipstick Birthday Suit, but it was sold out. -sad face- I've been trying to get into wearing blush so I got the Rimmel Powder Blush #032 in "Plum"

It actually looks darker than this in real life and it comes out such a beautiful peachy-pink shade on my skintone.

I thought for sure that this would be too light for me, but it looks so lovely. It is very pigmented and goes on quite smoothly. I love that this has no shimmer in it unlike my NARS blush.

I also picked up a little quad because I broke my NYX Runway Palette in "Champagne & Caviar. The whole top came off so its stuck at home for now or forever. I'm pissed because it has my favorite colors in it, but this one isn't too shabby. This is the Rimmel Color Rush Quad Eyeshadow in #002 Smokey Brun.

So creamy textured! I love the way these feel and they are very pigmented. They are all shimmer so I have to usually grab a matte brown eyeshadow for my crease, but I really love these and this thing cost me like $3. Can't beat that!

So far Rimmel has not disappointed me! I know I wont be venturing into their skin products because I just love the ones I have already, but perhaps I'll give their mascaras a go.
Ciao bellas!

Technology...Fail! & My Bout of Adult Acne

2010-01-21T18:10:00.006-05:00

I feel like I've been a deadbeat mother. I have totally neglected my little blog here, but it was not my fault! My cat broke my laptop and that put an end to all my fun and work here on the computer. I have a Dell Mini, but anyone with one of those knows, you just can't get any extensive work done on there. All this happened at the beginning of December, as soon as the semester was over and I would have serious time to play. Fast forward to last weekend, my boyfriend and I were in Best Buy so we could get something for the computers we have in his place [total nerd setup going on over there] and while there I saw the most beautiful laptop in the world! I kept walking past it..staring at it..possibly wanting to procreate with it, but alas we had to go. I'm broke as a joke, no way was I getting a laptop anytime soon so I just put it out of my mind. The next day he gets dressed and says "We're going to go get you that laptop." Seriously? I could not have a more magical and generous person in my life. So now I'm all wired again! I just put in an order with CherryCulture.com yesterday so hopefully in a week or so I will have stuff to review. I also purchased two things from Rimmel yesterday that I'd like to include in that also.

I'm also going to finally venture into showing my FOTD! I'm excited about this and yet nervous. I have never had acne before, I made it from childhood to 23 with no problems, until about 4 months ago. Ladies I had a small pimple on my cheek brought on by Aunt Flo and I decided to use some of my boyfriend's ProActiv to make it go away. BIG MISTAKE. It caused a part of my face to turn into a big dry patch with a completely different texture [still is] and it also caused this part of my face to be prone to borderline cystic acne. I was absolutely devastated and it was so bad I couldn't even use makeup to cover it up. I tried to combat this with getting a more gentle soap, Cetaphil....MADE IT WORSE! My mom who doesn't have any acne used it and it GAVE her a pimple. WTF?! It just aggravated the situation further.

Finally after months of this crap I Googled and kept getting results for olive oil. Now I was like isn't oil bad for your skin? Won't that just clog my pores? Hallelujah you guys!!! You don't even know this stuff is an absolute miracle. I'm sure all the Mediterranean women are like DUH! But I'm just a New York gal who thinks olive oil is a condiment. I wash my face with olive oil everyday and I also use it to remove my makeup as well. You don't need a makeup remover if you use this stuff, it literally just melts it away. Also according to what I have read, the olive oil actually causes the dirt in your pores to come to the surface! Once a week I mix course sea salt into the olive oil and give myself a scrub, this coupled with putting vitamin E oil on my pimple scars and voila! My skin is glowing and looking better than ever . You truly don't know how happy and I am. I never realized how painful[physically,emotionally & mentally] and embarrassing acne could be and I feel so sorry for every time I made light of one of my friends who was going through it.

So even though the semester has started yet again -sigh- I am ready to rock out 2010 and hope to have more fun than I did before.

Lauren ♥

NYX Haul Part 2!!! Eyeshadow & Pigments Swatches

2009-12-14T21:06:00.007-05:00

Wooo better late than never. So I swatched my pigments finally and all 5 of my trios. I applied them bare on my arm/hand and then right next to it I applied my Laura Geller Spackle primer and swatched them on top of that too. Let's get started!

Here are the 4 NYX Ultra Pearl Mania Pigments in Walnut, Oro,Mink, and Nude:

{Bottom row has primer}As you can see they really pop with the primer and they are already super pigmented. I know everything is golden and brown and blah blah but I love these shades. From what I've read online these almost entirely fill up a 10 gram sifter jar. They were $1.50 each on CherryCulture.com . They all go on so smoothly and you do NOT need a lot with these, less is definitely more, so start small and build up to what you want.

NYX Eyeshadow Trios are $5.50 down from $8.00 on CherryCulture.com

NYX Eyeshadow Trio in Ceramic:

{Right row has primer} These are hard to swatch they look so similar. (First picture) The first shade is not a deep black, I'd call it a smokey black with sparkle, the middle is a gray with shimmer and the last color is almost exactly the same as the middle except it has the larger sparkle like the first one.

NYX Eyeshadow Trio in Lake Moss:

{Top row or right row depending on how you think :) has primer} These colors are pretty straight forward. A deep violet with sparkle, a deep purple with sparkle(which I thought was blue upon first sight), and a hunter green with sparkle. I'll be frank I'm not crazy about sparkle but I think these would be excellent for going out looks. ::And excuse my furry arms lol::

NYX Eyshadow Trio in Rock-N-Roll:

{Right row has primer} The first e/s is a lovely cream color that doesn't have any shimmer. I have a feeling it might be similar to MAC'S Ricepaper. Feel free to correct me on that if I'm wrong.The middle color looks like a shimmery periwinkle to me, I don't know how to describe it but I love the color, the last color looks like a blueish gunmetal color. This is my favorite trio out of this purchase!

NYX Eyeshadow Trio in Aloha/Mink Brown/Deep Bronze:

{Right row has primer}Aloha is a beautiful shade of baby pink with a slight bit of shimmer, it would make a lovely highlight color or to put in the corner of the eye to brighten up a look. Mink Brown is a light frosty cream color,it probably will look more brown on fairer skin, but I think I will love it for blending in to richer brown shadows. Deep Bronze reminds me of a lighter Walnut Pearl Pigment. It definitely gets more bronzey with a primer as opposed to being on the chocolate side without it.

NYX Eyeshadow Trio in Barely There/Champagne/Root Beer:

{Right row has primer} Barely There is a buttery color with shimmer. I'm trying to figure out what I'll do with it, but I'll figure out something. Champagne is a shimmery peach color, It's like if Oro and Mink Pearl Pigments had a baby and turned down the pearlyness, this would be their kid. Root Beer looks very different out of the pan, well at least on me. It comes out a sort of purple-brown, but I like it a lot. I will say that for some reason Root Beer is more crumbly than the other eyeshadows, it could be just my trio but it's kind of annoying me.

I actually have one more final tomorrow, it's open book so I'm not worried about it. But...it's at 8am, which means I have to get on the train at 6:45....yes clearly my school does not know that I am on a very horrid sleep schedule due to my boyfriend working from 2pm to 11:30pm. -sigh- I am off to bed!

Lauren ♥

NYX Haul Part 1!!! Lipstick, Gloss & Jumbo Lip Pencil Swatches

2009-12-13T19:03:00.009-05:00

Finals are finally over and I can breathe a sigh of relief! If any of you have had finals I hope they went well and if not hope you're just well in general. I did some major damage on Cherry Culture about two weeks ago and got a bunch of goodies! Check it out:

Spent about $40 bucks, free shipping. Can't go wrong there. There's soo much stuff that I'll be doing Part 1 today, which includes all of the lip products. Eye products will be done tomorrow. Those 4 Pearl Pigments I've had since my last NYX haul, but I haven't touched them because I've wanted the sifter containers from Coastal Scents. Alas...they were sold out when I went to purchase them..so screw it I'm just going to review them anyway and get my containers when I can. On to the goodies!

First up is NYX Girls Round Lipstick in ""Cafe Latte", I also purchased a clear one but no need to show that. It's sold for $2.00 on Cherry Culture.

I was really nervous when I saw it in the bottle, it looks so gold, but as you can see it comes out very nice on the lips with the perfect amount of shimmer. These lipglosses smell kind of sherbet-like..like oranges or something.

Next is the NYX Jumbo Lip Pencil in "Iced Coffee":

I'm pretty happy with this. I think it will need some clear gloss over it, but other than that I love it. I was actually in a toss up between this and the NYX Jumbo Lip Pencil in "Rose Brown" but I ended up getting both anyway. Rose Brown(below) seems more orange..I don't really like it as much on its own, which is what I have on in the first picture below, but it looks better with the Cafe Latte gloss in the second picture.

Here they are side by side:

I also got 3 of the NYX Round Lipsticks. First up is the Nyx Round Lipstick in "Taupe":

Let me tell you when I first took this out of the box the first word out of my mouth was "Shit." I absolutely hated it, I thought it was too pink for my skin tone and I was totally going to pretend I bought it on purpose to give to my mom. Then I put it on:

LOVE IT!!!!! Totally can't judge the lippie by how it looks as a whole. It's such the perfect pinkish-nude for me.

Second is NYX Round Lipstick in "Java", which was actually recommended to me by someone in the comments on my last lippie post:

Once again some profanity came out of my mouth. Then....

It's very very sheer with shimmer, so I put Cafe Latte gloss on top and voila!

Love it. It's not as frosty as it appears due to the flash. Every brown girl knows(well the ones I know) you do not want any frosty, ghetto looking lips. This provides a nice shimmer without going overboard.

Last but definitely not least is NYX Round Lipstick in "Hermes".
Can I just say that this color looks different in every single swatch I've seen of it. It was so hard for me to purchase this color because I had no clue what I was getting into.

Love this one!!! I think I may swipe a little of my Laura Mercier Bare Beige over it, but I do like how it looks on it's own. Some people may think the color is too milky or pink for me but it's not. I have a weird face with warm yellow undertones in some parts and cooler red ones in the other parts and somehow it allows things to work out. I am so absolutely happy with my lip haul and continually impressed with the quality of NYX lipsticks.

Tomorrow Part 2 of the NYX Eyeshadow Trios and Pearl Mania Pigments

Swatches of NYX Mosaic Powder,MAC Mineralize Skinfinish Natural (& Evian Brumisateur)

2009-11-24T15:25:00.008-05:00

Hi ladies! Finally with some time off from school for Thanksgiving I can catch up on life. And by catching up on life I mean placing an order on Cherry Culture...they are having a 20% off everything sale you know...I mean how could I pass that up?!
These are the two latest additions to my face makeup collection Nyx Mosaic Powder in Latte $6.50 and MAC Mineralize Skinfinish Natural in Dark $25.00. I took swatches on my hand because my face looks rough right now (I left my Clarisonic at my bf's!) and I totally don't want to scare anyone with that hot mess.

Here's my hand with all its freckles lol:

And here's my hand with each powder:

You can see the Skinfinish is more of a yellow base and the Mosaic Powder is cooler based.

So here they are!
MAC Mineralize Skinfinish in Dark

So pretty. I actually didn't even know about these until I went into the MAC around the corner from my school to buy the 187 brush, which I ended up not buying because of this. See, that is what we call...restraint. When I first got this I was like OMG can't wait to wear it. When I put it on I went to :/ This is a very yellow based powder and I have red undertones so...yeah...I realized I couldn't use it as my all day go to face powder. Made me sad, but where there's a will there is a way!!!

I picked up this brush from DuaneReade (drugstore chain in case they don't have these where you are) for $5.99.

It's very soft and very dense, absolutely perfect for buffing in the Skinfinish. So now I just use this to buff it in and on top of that I use the Nyx Mosaic Powder or my Bare Minerals Bronzer in Warmth.

NYX Mosaic Powder in Latte

Another tricky product. If I want to use this as a highlighter I swirl the whole thing. If I want to use it as a finishing powder I leave out the cream colored portion. Fair skinned ladies can use this as a contour if they wish.

OH! You can also use each little section individually as an eyeshadow:

Sorry for this crappy picture but I get absolutely no daylight in my apartment. It sucks. But they come out very nice and it is so absolutely creamy you wouldn't believe.

I set all of my powders with Evian Brumisateur. Something about MAC Fix+ bugs me. I don't know what, because I haven't actually used it..but it may be the fact that they do the same thing but MAC charges $18 for 100mL and Evian's is $15 for 300ml. I know you're like "Girl what...it's water! Go in the kitchen and get some!!" Nuh uh. If you use it you will see. My skin has actually cleared up dramatically because of it. If you have no idea what I'm talking about check it out Evian Brumisateur.

Here's my mini that I keep in my purse and here's a comparison of the mini and the one my mom and I share at home:

Well that's all for now. I've been waiting to get some empty sifter jars from Coastal Scents to put my NYX Pearl Mania Pigments in so I can review them. I'm too clumsy to deal with that little jar. Happy Thanksgiving and Happy Black Friday Ladies!!!!

NYX Round Lipstick Swatches! (Nudes)

2009-11-10T23:25:00.002-05:00

It's soo late and I should be in bed, I have a test tomorrow!!! But I'm just going to quickly post these swatches that are part of my big makeup haul. The rest I will put up soon. This was my first time ordering any lip products from NYX and wow they did not disappoint! I think I might try adding just the tiniest bit of Lip Spackle by Laura Geller, because I did hear that these aren't long lasting, but the color is wonderful. I put a little bit of vaseline on my lips or chapstick whatever you choose, just to moisturize somewhat. Now here's the pictures!

Here they are in their cute little packaging.

Rea is sooo..light. It's almost milky but with gloss I can pull it off. I don't want to look like I have dry ashy mouth now...that is NOT cute!!!

This is Rea with my fav Laura Mercier Bare Beige gloss. Looks niiiiice. I think as someone who is brown with red undertones, I have to wear this with a more brown based nude lipgloss. And apparently who knew that brown people with red undertones are not common..I learned that on Specktra yesterday...the more you know :)

This is cream.I love love this lipstick.It is creamy and with the perfect amount of shimmer. I'm wearing it here with the NYX Round Gloss in Natural.

This is Stone, it's a nice pink based nude brown for me. I find it similar to Uranus, sometimes I have to take them right underneath my halogen lamp to see the color difference..but on the lips I can DEFINITELY see the difference.

OMG...Uranus -sigh- this is my favorite of the bunch. It may replace Rimmel "Birthday Suit" as my absolute favorite. It's nice and not pinkbased...I just love this I can't even say anything about it..it needs no gloss, no blotting, nothing but my lips. I am so pleased with this!!!

Here's the NYX Round Gloss in Natural:

...and here it is on my lips:

I've always been scared of pink or pink based lip products, but this is so subtle and nice. I really like this..it's new territory for me.It has the right amount of pinkness for someone my shade..I believe this is what's called a cool pink,more blue based, not a warm one.

I don't wear foundation and I'm fortunate enough not to need it. I can get buy on tinted moisturizers and light-medium coverage powders. I always see people talking about being a NW this and an NC this for refrences, and MUFE colors but I don't have any of those. In MAC Mineralize Skin Finish Natural I wear Deep and in Laura Mercier Oil Free Tinted Moisturizer in Walnut. I'll be swatching and reviewing these two after I finish up this NYX Haul. Off to bed!!!

Lauren ♥

Blahhh Blehhh Oooh Makeup...

2009-11-08T16:50:00.002-05:00

I have been feeling absolutely horrible lately. I mean I am just run down. I'm lethargic, my skin looks like absolute crap and I never get more than one pimple, and I just..I don't know what's going but I guess I'll find out soon enough.

I want to do a haul post but I'm just so tired & I have to study for a philosophy exam. Something is always thwarting me from keeping this up to date! I'm thinking I may take the photos tonight and upload them midweek. I got lots of goodies from NYX, MAC, & the drugstore. Tis all I can give for now.

Lauren ♥

Nude Lip for Brown Skinned Girls

2009-10-31T16:56:00.007-04:00

Aghhh! I'm taking 6 classes and I never have time to do anything anymore! One more semester to go!

So let's get down to business. I spent like a year on the great nude lip quest...for the life of me I couldn't figure out what to do. It's harder to find a nice nude lip when you're a brown skinned lady because you have to make sure that it doesn't turn out being bronzey looking, pasty, or the exact some color as your skin.Well be still my Juicy Couture clad heart I found what I had been searching for! Laura Mercier Lip Glace in Bare Beige + Rimmel Birthday Suit Lipstick = HG NUDE LIP!!!!! Personally I think this works on people who are of any shade.

I took the wand out because the container is sooo beat up & who wants to look at that? It's $22 for 0.12 oz. It's only lasted me so long because I had the lipgloss way before I found the lipstick so now I'm running out.

Rimmel Lipstick in Birthday Suit

You can find these for like $5 bucks at your local CVS,Walgreens, etc. Sometimes they have a BOGO or buy one get one half off. I'd recommend you stock up,these babies are always sold out when I go to look for them!

Here is a swatch of both on my hand:

The swatch for the lip gloss on Sephora.com looks absolutely nothing like it does in real life. I really wish they wouldn't do that..so misleading.

And here I am wearing these two along with NYX Automatic Lipliner in Cocoa:

{sorry for the crappy quality I had issues getting this pic to load grrrr}

I think this is a wonderful combination,I really do. I was doing the concealer and lip gloss bit for a while and that just looked so chalky. The Lipgloss with liner is fine by itself for a nude look, but Birthday Suit is what makes it the Your Lips But Better. One problem is I haven't found the right shade of lip liner yet. I went to my local beauty store the other day only to find out they carry NYX stuff..awesome right? So I see the color that I want and grab it....only to get home put it on and realize that I grabbed the wrong color that was next to it. -big sigh- so Cocoa is NOT the color that I wanted, but Dark Brown. I don't have a defined cupid's bow at all, but I have really full lips so I like to just line the complete top of my lip, the corners of my bottom lip & the center part of my bottom lip.

I suppose I better get back to studying for Psychology. I have got to find a way to do this more regularly.

<3 Lauren

P.S. Thank you to the sweet Natty from Miss Natty's Beauty Diary for nominating my little newbie blog !

Swatches of NYX The Runway Collection Champagne& Caviar 10 Eyeshadow Palette

2009-10-14T16:49:00.009-04:00

Hiii blog! Have you missed me? I missed you. Well lets get to it! The past week I decided to take a look on Cherry Culture and see if they had anything I might want.Usually I'm kinda like BLAH, because they always have the same stuff. But there I saw they had a palette I had been eyeing on NYX.Com. Now..I must admit I'm always very reluctant to order eyeshadows & lipstick off of Cherry Culture and NYX bc their color swatches are just..awful :/ I really wish they'd fix them. Moving along, the palette looked decent on the computer but is ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS in person.

Here are some swatches of the NYX 10 Color Eyeshadow Palette in Champagne & Caviar:

I think the case is pretty,it does attract fingerprints but that's okay. The inside also contains a full mirror.

How pretty are these colors! You can see what colors I'm favoring already.

This is the top row.

Bottom row.
I have no idea what to use that white eyeshadow for as a brown girl. HELP?! Any ideas?

They are all very creamy and soft feeling. They in my opinion are much better than the 3 color eye palette by NYX. Speaking of I had to order ANOTHER Copacabana palette, because my mom took mine lol. Rudness, she has it. Here's a swatch of the NYX Copacabana:

Cute enough to steal!

I have more stuff to post but I am so tired, I will post the rest tomorrow.My laptop is being a jerk and I have to study for an IT quiz. I had so much fun with my boyfriend this past weekend. We went to Harrah's in Atlantic City and just gambled had dinner and had a nice little night away from NYC. I've been a little stressed/depressed lately and over something so absolutely ridiculous I dare not even mention it. Well it starts with E ends with ngagement. All my friends are getting married & engaged and I guess I'm feeling a little green with envy towards them. Such an asshole thing I know but I'm working on it. Hope anyone who reads this has a wonderful day.

Who Hit The Warp Speed Button?

2009-08-31T13:23:00.008-04:00

I can't believe I've been home since the first week of May. I couldn't find a job, so basically I've spent my summer going on vacation to Ft.Lauderdale with Boo, celebrating Boo's 27th birthday 7/2 and my 23rd birthday 7/20.

* i miss this view*

*at shitty jones beach in ny*

We went to Atlantic City and had a ridiculous amount of fun. Who knew that I would have so much fun gambling and drinking? It was more than that though, it was a mini road trip I suppose, another bonding experience for he and I that has further sped up how close we are to one another. I can't believe on Thursday it will be a year we've been together, the older you get, the faster time goes by. I really need to start appreciating the days more. That brings me to something I don't appreciate.....college.

I AM SO SICK OF SCHOOL!!!

I feel like I have been in school for forever. I graduated high school in 2004 and thought I had found the perfect college. How wrong I was. All those assholes did was fuck up my credit and set me back 2 years in my education causing me not to return to college until January 2006. Bleh. So now I'm in the home stretch of college, my last year, and I could not be more enthused and yet absolutely dreading this shit. Part of the reason I'm hating this is that I have to return in the fall to take like 3 classes so it's really like last year and a half, I should be graduating in May 2010 but now I'll be done in the winter. This semester is basically going to kick my ass. My 3rd level lit class has 5 papers alone, the 2nd level lit I'm going to guess about 2 papers, and my English Seminar class has a 25 page final. FML. This is not to mention my Philosophy class and my Psychology class. IT 101 is bullshit and doesn't count, I've been entering and withdrawing that class for a while now because it is so damn stupid and pointless but it's needed to graduate so it must be done.

*school spirit anyone?*

I was really looking forward to this Fall being the last time I had to deal with the large influx of noisy, overly confident Freshmen. See in my college Freshmen have the upperhand. I go to a small school where kids come from the same catholic highschools in groups. Twenty from this school, twenty from that school, etc. They already come with a network of friends. This will change drastically by the next semester. It's always a little fun to see that change, when they realize that St.Francis although being so small (we have 2000 students) is very big on academics and it kicks them in their asses. Anyway nothing against all college freshmen it's just that...I'm twenty fucking three, I'm tired of these shenanigans. The next 3 years of my life are going to be interesting to say the least. Graduating, getting married, buying a house, starting a family. I know people look at Boo and I like we're nuts, but this is what we want. This is the start of our life together and when you know, you just know. I wish everyone could have that type of certainty in their lives.

*humps this picture*

If you ever stop looking this sexy, I'll divorce you...and most likely call you up for booty calls post divorce.

-Lauren-

A Little Bit Lighter

2009-08-06T00:26:00.003-04:00

It seems like I'm going to go into 2010 being lighter in so many different ways. From the fact that I will only have about 23 credits left to graduation, that I've already lost about 10lbs, to getting rid of old friends and exes.

It is such a strange feeling when you realize you have completely outgrown someone. When people come into your life, you never know what to expect, but once you meet someone I suppose you never imagine that you won't know them. At least I don't do that anyway. I have been friends with Adam since 2001 when I first laid claim on him at a high school party. He was shy and awkward, he was a nerd, and all the while suffering from Dominican machismo in a body that wouldn't let it assert itself. So I did what any self centered person would do, I took his virginity. So he did what any self centered person would do, he got me pregnant. In one simple act, the first simple act, we both fucked each other in more ways than one. We took care of that situation and went on to date each other casually for a small while, but I could never take him seriously, call me shallow but I honestly never really was that attracted to him. This was during my maneater phase, so there was a lot of that I suppose. He graduated from high school and went to NYU, and I went off to a different high school and off to a much older man who I would remain with for 2.5 years of non committed commitment. All during this time Adam and I formed a super bond. We had become each others confidants, best friend, shoulder to cry on, and everything else you could want in a buddy.

Due to some recession like activity i.e. broke ass ho activity, in my household my cellphone has been shut off since the beginning of May. Since we basically had no other way of contacting each other we lost touch and although I'd always be like "Shit! I have to call him." I never would. He finally reached out to me in a MySpace email thinking he had done something to offend me, obviously he hadn't so I cleared this up by giving him my house number. This is where things start to get strange...

I felt like I was talking to someone for the first time, someone I didn't know at all. Those awkward calls where you give some asshole your number and he calls like 4 days later and you're like "Who the fuck are you again?" yeah...just awkward. Adam has always been kind of a jerk, but in an endearing way, but after 2 years of hitting the gym, buying expensive glasses, and a whole slew of other "improvements" he is just a downright DICK. The fact that he is now moving to California for grad school doesn't help. We'll become holiday friends, the people who send each other obligatory greetings and ask about family and significant others etc. Maybe he'll come to my wedding, maybe he won't, the strange thing is...I don't really care either way. I've always been the kind of person that didn't fight for a friendship, when they fizzle, they fizzle and I am done. I feel like that's the case now and I wonder if he feels that way too or is this solely on my part? I guess the fact that neither one of us has tried to call each other answers that.

Growing up sucks, eh.

So I lost 10lbs.

I'm in the final stretch of schooling.

I'm realizing lots of things that I tolerated before I'm not a fan of now.

I realized my ex bf [who's name I really should put in here should he decided to Google himself one day] is truly someone that wasn't right for me.

I can finally listen to "Believe Me Natalie" by The Killers without getting upset. It's not only in my top 3 songs but it was me and my ex's song. That leads me to wonder...why don't B and I have a song? Whenever I listen to this song I think about B. I think sometimes he and I bump heads because we are so much alike you know...stubborn, hardheaded, self-righteous, sensitive, temperamental. That's okay though because you know what? It works. I will always be proud of him and what he does, always be in his corner, and I know he feels the same for me.

XXIII

2009-07-21T01:01:00.007-04:00

Adulthood, you have snuck up on me like a case of the Herp!

When I turned 18 it didn't really have an effect on me, I simply thought "Okay so now all my slutty antics are legal." Big fucking deal.

Turning 21, was sort of a big deal only because I thought my then boyfriend, who was 11 years older than me, would view me as more of an adult and we could enjoy more activities together. Instead he cheated on me.

But now at the age of 23, I realize this is the last year before I officially enter my mid-twenties. Suddenly I feel the weight of the world on my soldiers, I feel incompetent, and yet in progress. I have one year, three semesters to be exact, of school left and there really isn't that much I can do for work at the moment. Between the economy sucking, me needing to be able to devote my time to reading a ridiculous amount of books and well lets face it, I need to see my boyfriend.
Anyway I'm getting off track. I don't know what it is but I actually want to work now, I want to provide, I want to save up money for my future little starter home, I want to to move out of my parents house. I'm feeling like I need room to spread my wings and it's just a little too cramped in this cage. I always knew I was supposed to do these things and that eventually I would, but I always contemplated over it with such dread because I can be soooo lazy.

My ex is always worried that I am rushing my life, that I am somehow going to waste my youth and wake up to regret my decisions. It is not my fault that he and Jon Gosselin are both experiencing a mid-life crisis two decades ahead of schedule ($600 sunglasses? I should've seen that as a warning). He is no one to be giving advice. I'm also tired of people assuming because I complain about my boyfriend that, that means I no longer wish to be with him. Am I a perfect person? Is he? No, we are not. We are both imperfect, yet good intentioned people who make mistakes just like everyone else. My ex thought that this should never occur, and that everything should be peachy keen all the time, and that is why he is single.

Sometimes, I don't think people understand how our relationship is, and of course maybe they shouldn't entirely since we are the only two people in it. Shit can get intense. We essentially became each other's worlds very quickly after dating. We have very little interaction, on a personal level, with other people. This is due to having friends who are either of a distance or just unavailable and our crazy ass parents. Due to our differences in culture, race, way of being raised, environment, we often have stark views on things and when we're cramped up in one room all the time because someone WON'T BUY A COUCH! it can get a little heated.

I also know that I can be extremely hot headed. I have a short temper. I mean __ short, that's it right there. This coupled with a small case of righteous indignation and whoa boy...This especially flares up as a Christian and although I don't believe in religion for me personally, if someone ask me I say I'm a Christian as I do believe in God and Jesus Christ, sometimes I have touches of Agnosticism, but that should only be natural. Blind faith is intolerable. But in general I do try to use Christian teachings as a guide, not as a rule book because I just don't believe in that. I should be compassionate and understanding, but sometimes I find it so hard, simply because I'm being a jerk. My partner is an Athiest, which I have no problem with what so ever, but.. sometimes I find him to be so cold and dismissive. Now I don't think is because he is an Athiest, I think this is because he's sort of an asshole ( sorry b.b.), but in our arguments he is usually the one who either dismisses whatever I'm upset about or gets overly emotional and somehow manages take the attention off of me and focus it back on to him. At times I think, hmm maybe if he had some spirituality about him he might be a little nicer? I mean an Athiest can have spirituality I just don't know if he does. Sometimes I know the right thing to do would be to not let it elevate and to work it out calmly. That's what a nice rational person would do, that's what a moderately Christian person would do, since we're supposed to be all about the lurve. But DAMNIT I fucking can't stand the shit that comes out of his mouth sometimes and I just get so angry. I'm getting too old now to be raising my blood pressure for that shit (although my blood pressure is perfect according to PP) so instead I am going to work really hard on communicating myself calmly and effectively, without resorting to slamming things, yelling, or taking a swing. I need to get in with these Episcopalians, they're all a bunch of drunk, gay embracing, Jesus loving hippies.

Back to what I was saying I'm really going to try to be better in everything, since hitting my 23 year and feeling like an adult(right). A better daughter, I'll try and keep my room from looking like a pig sty, I'll start cleaning up around here, since I live here rent free and don't work. A better granddaughter, spending time with my nana, I nearly broke down today on the phone my nana calls me to say Happy Birthday and she says "I didn't think I'd be around to see your 23 birthday." Oh, Margaret...why must you say these things. I hope you're around long enough to meet your great granddaughter or grandson. I love her so much, she really doesn't know.

And to you my dear sweet William, the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, I want to be a better friend, a better listener, a better lover, a better girlfriend. I know I joke, probably inappropriately but, I respect and am proud of what you do. I worry, but I can't let it be something that is a constant otherwise I'd have no finger nails and I'd be a weepy mess. One day in the bathroom you told me there would be no one after me and I believed you. You are absolutely everything to me and I'm so proud to be yours. I'm so glad to have spent this birthday with you and I look forward to so many more...like when we take you to have your back shaved and fill your 40 prescriptions.

So here's to 23, here's to growing up [not sideways anymore please Sour Cream Gods], here's to realizing my shit does stink, and to living my life.

Progress & Hope

2009-06-15T13:59:00.005-04:00

I've decided that perhaps I need to take a step back and take a good look at my relationship. I can be as honest and well cruel as I want on this blog because only two people read it and if I was going to let anyone besides myself or my boyfriend read it, it would be someone who already knew my deepest feelings aka not my "bestfriend" -rolls eyes- Moving along...

Recently my boyfriend and I had to go through an experience which while efficiently handled wasn't an easy one. Last night, in a moment of drunken honesty, my boyfriend revealed to me some feelings about the experience which I thought he didn't have at all. I was feeling terribly alone and guilty by myself, but now I see that I wasn't alone in these feelings. I will admit that it was undoubtedly bad timing for us, neither one of us is ready to provide for a child, but still there was of course moments of guilt, we love each other and this was something created by the both of us. However in a few years we'll be ready and things will be different. It's just so comforting to me to know that he gave it more thought than I assumed he did. Not only that, but what an awesome nurse he was during the whole process, I couldn't have asked for a better caretaker during the whole ordeal.

This whole experience has made me look at my boyfriend and my relationship in a different light. My ex and I really never went through any serious situations aside from our relationship issues, but those weren't exactly life changing or possibly life changing situations, and we were together three times the length my current bf and I have been together. I always felt since the first time I spoke to my boyfriend online that there was an unusual closeness between us, as if we had known each other before. I can't explain it...it's like the same feeling you get when you come home. That all encompassing feeling of infinite familiarity. That's what Billy is to me, he is home for my feelings, for my thoughts, my hopes and my love. Everything I want in life I finally feel like I have someone I can achieve with. Seeing this man take care of me and express his feelings to me, I'm truly realizing just how deep his love is for me and how much I could never live without him. When we were on vacation in Ft.Lauderdale, I told him we would be okay after this. I had to be hopeful then as I didn't know what to expect or how I would feel after. Now that everything has transpired, I'm feeling more refreshed and more hopeful than ever. I think we're stronger now as a couple and I just look forward to all the happiness in our future together. In 9 months we have developed a very solid, strong relationship, one that I don't think I even got a glimpse of in the three years with my ex. Back then I felt I had no role or place, we were two seperate people living seperate lives but in a relationship, a diet-relationship I suppose.... how can that work? Now I finally feel like an equal in my relationship, someone who's adored and cherished, nothing is watered down in this.

You are my bestfriend, my heart, my source of comfort, and I truly don't know how I got along before you arrived. You are perfectly imperfect for me and I feel so lucky.

I love you so much.

Is it me? Is it them?

2009-06-01T21:43:00.005-04:00

I can say without an iota of doubt that the past year exactly has been a roller coaster of happiness, extreme pain, levels of annoyance I didn't even know I could reach, and true feelings of being lost. I am a believer in fate. I believe in God and yet I do not believe that he has laid out a plan for me or anyone else for that matter. Lately however I've been questioning this and questioning what exactly is my plan and purpose and am I supposed to be doing it alone?

I remember hearing so many times from my ex-boyfriend how he could not settle how he wanted that fantasy idyllic love and how I was not it. I also now hear from him that he thinks he over thought things with me and perhaps I was the right one for him. How do we ever truly know this? How do we decide what is a deal breaker and what isn't? If you love someone what is enough? What amount is enough to make it last?

My ex-boyfriend and I politically, socially, and other things for the most part we saw eye to eye on things. Our problem was two people at different ages suffering from the same affliction. I was 19 and immature as I suppose one would expect and he was 29 going on 17 in some ways. This was the crux of our problems, we ultimately broke up due to reasons which overlapped each other in strange ways, a case of testing the waters gone wrong. Could things have been salvaged? Perhaps if we could go back in time and he could have a picture of what he wanted his life to be like and grow up more and if I was older and more mature, but all is said and done.

My current boyfriend and I want the same things from life. A house, a family, a traditional life. Something I wasn't sure was ever in my ex's mind at all. However, we are such different thinkers. Sometimes I fear it isn't the case of two opposites balancing each other out, but two opposites trying to cancel each other out. I do not want to be in a relationship just for love, love is definitely not enough, but if you love you also must accept. The question is what do you accept? I cannot stand my boyfriend's views on the world. I'd say 75% of his views make me go WTF! He has an extremely narrow world view on matters such as race and social issues, I also think these things are biased due to his occupation. I don't think they couldn't be. I don't walk around my neighborhood fearing for my life, you can be gunned down in the middle of fucking Greenwich, CT if someone really wanted to ya know...bust a cap in yo ass. I just don't understand this. I can't even think about his convoluted thoughts on race without wanting to pull my hair out and run far away from him as possible. Sometimes I think...really? I'm supposed to make little mixed babies with a man who doesn't understand how history and racism so deeply entrenched in the psyche of the people of this country affect so many things? Next! The world isn't black and white [ no pun intended] but for him I think it is.

I want my children to have an intelligent, caring, compassionate, and understanding father. He must understand that things might happen or be said to them that cannot happen to him or that could happen to him but with a different weight that he could never know. I don't know if I always feel like this is what will happen. I don't really believe people can change after a certain age, you are who you are and that is that. I try to talk to him but he doesn't listen, he hears me, but does not listen. There's also a problem of his insensitivity, I have never met a man say more callous,thoughtless and mean things to people in an off the cuff manner before except for my dad. I refuse that shit. Don't tell me you're blunt, that is an excuse for being an inconsiderate asshole. Fix that problem or you will be alone forever.

Sometimes I feel like I just left one brand of bullshit for another. I love my boyfriend, but I love myself more. I don't want to feel like someone's second best and I do not want to end up in a situation where our differences will not enrich our lives but be the demise of it. I know I have my own issues with my father but you know what besides the fact that my father can be emotionally aloof...I had a wonderful childhood. My parents love the shit out of me and even though my dad doesn't say I know he does. I was a gift to them, an absolute joy and it is so comforting to know that even at damn near 23 years old they sometimes take a peak in my room when I'm asleep and that they still smile and laugh and reminisce over my baby pictures.

I do not want to suffer because of the shortcomings in other peoples lives. Either try some therapy or suck it up. Because I've cried way more over the 2 boyfriends I've had/have than I ever could over my father. We are family and we have to deal with each other but not only that we want to deal with each other. You are optional, don't make it a choice to make my life miserable. Love me completely, uncondtionally, with a pure heart and an open mind or get the fuck out of my life. I am done pandering to any man.

How dare someone ask me for compassion when they barely can show it themselves?
You want me to be sensitive to your physical gripes and yet you openly criticized mine? And no I won't let it go because it sums up everything about you!

Not everything is daddy's fault. Some parts of you just suck really bad.

Fuck You & Goodnight ...or Goodmorning

2009-05-10T11:03:00.003-04:00

Let me start this off by saying I am an extremely sensitive person, I haven't always been known to show equal amounts of consideration to other people's feelings, and for that I apologize. However I get riled up quite easily and this morning I am indeed riled up. I'm a frequent reader of Jezebel.com, I initially was a Gawker reader, but I was sucked in by their use of feminine colors and their topics. They were not a "feminist" site, but a site for women and the topics they talked about were things that I was interested in. That is....until I realized I barely have anything in common with like 80% of their commenters.

Doesn't it get exhausting looking at the world through a feminist lense? I mean I wan't equality for everyone, and frankly minority feminist issues are different than white women feminist issues, but that's a different story for another day. I just think it must be extremely tiring always having something to bitch about and being judgmental of others. Yes, I'm being judgmental right now I suppose, but moreso I'm speaking about myself. At my core I am a traditionalist, I suppose they would say a traditionalist to the patriarchy and patriarchal expectations, but none the less, this is who I am. I love cooking for my boyfriend, now that his kitchen is finished, it gives me a sense of pride and happiness that he is content with something I made. While I will undoubtedly be happy and proud of myself to complete college, nothing I want more is than to be a wonderful mother and to take care of my children and our home. I can't wait to be Mrs.Granacher[the sane one...haha I made a funny] Uh oh sound the alarms, I must not have my priorities in order! God forbid I want to be one of those "smug breeders" as they are often called by some people on the site and how could I be so selfish for not wanting to adopt a child.

Guess what. I don't wanna fucking adopt a child. I just don't, it's not for me and that's it. If someone judges me for that I hope that you are the most eco conscious-child saving motherfucker on the planet. I'm so sick of some of the shit I read on there and then to be called out for it by some stranger...WOO BOY!! or excuse me...WOO WOMAN! You have pissed me off. How dare you bitch at me for bitching...does that even make sense..why waste your time..? Anyway thank you for giving me writing material. Moving along, it's like that scene in Mona Lisa Smile, when Julia Stiles decides not to go to law school, even though she got accepted, because she wants to be a housewife and mother; Julia Roberts then is so disappointed in her for that choice. Isn't that what feminism is about, choosing our choice? Atleast I used to think so until I started reading Jezebel. Apparently now we have to be sorry about some of the choices we make as women. If men can do whatever the fuck they want and we're supposed to be equal, why is it that I can't do whatever the fuck I want? I want to stay home and be a mother, why is this any less important than you getting a doctorate. I don't need to go to graduate school unless I want to teach and that's still a maybe for me. So stop giving me grief [I'm looking at you grandma].

So yeah when I'm sitting on my patio with my fine ass officer -cheese smile- and your sitting in your cubicle with horrendous flourescent lighting..I'll just thank all you feminista broads to keep fighting the good fight for me while I suffer so in Westchester.

Today Is An Orange Day...

2009-04-25T21:29:00.008-04:00

...according to the DHS of my Vagina.

Well I mean...I know that I fucked up there is no doubt about that. It was extremely wrong of me to tell my boyfriend to never speak of our potential future together. At the time I really didn't see this as stifling his feelings, more like I wanted to stifle my own feelings and kill my Disney-like fantasies of our life together in a house, with 2 children and a dog[ a kitty too?]. I just wanted a safe space and now I've created a nightmare. I let my fears get in the way of my happiness.

I don't want to make excuses for myself because what I did was wrong, but I was scaredddddd!!! For some strange reason, even though I did love my ex-boyfriend very much, this time around it's much different. I guess it's because I'm older and I know myself more now and what I want. I just knew from the jump that there would be no one else for me but Billy. He is just everything I never knew I wanted and needed in a man, in a partner, a friend, a lover. Due to my ex-boyfriend stomping all over my heart and my psyche, I got scared this time around when everything felt like it was too good to be true. I'll admit, I did feel like this couldn't be real, there was no way this guy who I adore could adore me back the same way. So I pushed.

So now I'm paranoid and worried about the state of our relationship. He is rightfully worried that I don't care about the relationship as much or that I'm gonna flake on him, because I told him not to talk about that stuff. The truth is I never stopped thinking about it, I just didn't want to hear it. Our love and our relationship is greater than my fears though, and I should know that Billy is not Stephen and that he wouldn't do that to me, as he's never given me any sort of indication that he would. We're going on eight months now and I fall more in love with him everyday. I just want what we had back, our initial batshit crazy in love relationship, where we spoke about what it will be like when we live together, when we get married, when we have children...I have never been so hopeful before and I feel like my dreams are coming true. I'm worried that if he holds back from me, it's going to make me act weird and then everything is going to fall apart. I think I love him so much I went past the point of blindly loving him to being almost scared to love him.

I'm over that. My boyfriend and our relationship is the most important thing to me and it shouldn't be work, which it wasn't until I opened my big dumbass mouth. I'm not sure how to make amends with him besides showing him and telling him how much I love him and how much I can't wait to spend the rest of our lives together. I know I just want things to go back to normal already and I really don't understand why he needs time, though I mean I guess I'd be leary too :sighhhhhhhhhhhh: but I'll always be here and as long it takes I'll wait for him, we've got a long road ahead of us and a lot of Scrabble matches in which he will unjustly win.

* * *

To the Man that Owns my Heart,

~I love listening to you laugh, just hearing you laugh puts a smile on my face.
~I love that we laugh at the most inappropriate things and get each other's jokes.
~I love when you tuck me under your arm when we're laying down, it's the safest,
warmest, happiest place & I never want to leave it.
~I love the way you say my name.
~I love your geekyness even though I poke fun, I really love it.
~I love your smile, it melts my heart, that's how the boxy picture captivated me so.
~I love how when you randomly want to tell me something your voice starts out
really hushed and gets louder.
~I love how you are pleased by small things cuz sometimes I feel like I don't have much
to offer you, even though you always refute that.
~I love how you point out cute babies, you're gonna be a great dad.
~I love that you have helped me discover things about myself because you
truly were interested in who I was, who I am,and helping me in who I'm going to be,
it hasn't always been easy to face these truths but it's necessary, plus
there's been times I've almost cried because I've been so happy because of you.
~I love you very much William and there's so many things to love about you, I could
go on and on, but you might get sick of it, so I'll just give you a blow job instead.

Love Always,
Your Girlfriend

I think they call this "Leveling Up"

2009-03-18T21:08:00.010-04:00

Dearest Love,

We have been together for 197 days or 4728 hours or 283,680 minutes or 17,020,800 seconds. I wanted to be specific for a reason. What you said to me last night, after such a wonderful time together, broke my heart. I wish I could take all that pain away from you, all your loneliness, all your mistrust. Every moment I have spent with you has truly been an amazing gift. If there's a God then I think he made us for one another. I have never met anyone that got me the way you do, that loves me so unconditionally and with their whole heart. You are an amazing man and I am completely honored to be your girlfriend. No one deserves what you went through and it makes me so completely fucking angry that someone hurt you this way, especially because of who did it. It makes me sad that the people who have been closest in your life have let you down so much.

I know I can't change what happened in the past, but maybe you could let me show you that things aren't supposed to be that way? Let me be here for you. I know that I did stupid shit, like the thing with the soup and I'm really sorry about that but I really want you to know that I am here for you completely for whatever you need. As time goes on we'll become closer and closer and I hope that you don't hold back with me. I hope you really aren't scared that I'm going to leave you. I have no intentions of going anywhere that isn't where you are. If you weren't such a wonderful person why would I want to marry you? Why would I want to have children with you? Don't have disdain for the actions that were put upon you by repeating them. Don't alienate me, don't be cold, don't hold back.

If I could spend every second I had ,with you, to let you know you're not alone I would. I love you so so much. When I'm with you all I want to do is look at your face or kiss those lips. When we're not together all I think of is you. I doodle "Lauren Granacher" [omg its so pretty right?!] in my notebook sometimes. CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I ADORE YOU?!!!So fuck everyone, I know you're enough for me...so maybe one day I'll be enough for you.

To Ink, To Love, To Think

2009-03-11T16:05:00.004-04:00

I was in the bathroom shaving my legs when I had an epiphany. Well no it wasn't an epiphany but I was thinking about the other night when my boyfriend and I were discussing what we don't like about one another. I pointed out a few things about him, all things that can conceivably be changed about his personality. When I asked him what he didn't like about me, you know what he said? My tattoos. Like...what? Forreal? Yes. I get that some people are not tattoo people & that's cool, but you know what bugs me about this particular case? The mindset behind it. I explicitly posted on my OkCupid page [how we met] that I had tattoos. Either you like them or you don't. I think people who say "I like little ones, but not big ones." are assholes.

Moving along... this all has been brewing in my mind ever since he told me a story about someone who got married at his job. The woman who the guy married, had tattoos. Now while he told me that the woman did have quite a few visible tattoos, I still didn't like the fact that all of his coworkers were calling her white trash. His reaction to this was to "cower" and have a embarrassed face while telling me this story, because he thought to himself "Lauren has tattoos." I'm sorry but when did the close minded as fuck memo go out? Yes, I have tattoos. Do some trashy people have tattoos? Yes. Are all people with tattoos trashy? No!

My boyfriend is a police officer. Before dating him I swore I would never deal with anyone in uniform again. I was indifferent towards the police. They serve their purpose, but they're assholes too. After I began dating him and hearing his side of the story, I have gained some empathy and insight into their world. No, I am not brainwashed now and pro-police, but I'm able now to see both sides. I have defended them when someone says something now that is unjust and a generalization. But this attitude,this close minded thinking, albeit small is the exact type of thinking that makes people hate officers.

Look, you're people just like us. Just people with badges. You're not special. No, it does not take a special kind of person to be a police officer; except perhaps maybe people that are a little dead inside. I find it so telling into the mentality of the sort of people who join the force, that they would consider people who have tattoos to be trashy or classless. Hey guess what? NOT EVERYONE IS A PERP. I have tattoos, my friends have tattoos, my MOM has a tattoo. Big fucking deal. My ex-boyfriend does not have any piercings or tattoos and yet he could not give a flying fuck whether I did or not. How do my tattoos affect the person that I am? Do I somehow lose intelligence, character, or morals because there is some ink on me. From what I've heard so far of your "upstanding" coworkers, I've got more character and finesse in my fucking pinky finger than they do in their entire beings. So yeah, I love them and if I wasn't dating such an anti-tattoo person I'd get more.

I got my first tattoo when I was 17 years old, it's a tattoo of Tinker Bell. As a person who loves to read, as a daydreamer, someone who's eternally nine years old deep inside, I love Tinker Bell for what she represents in Peter Pan. You can fly, if you think happy thoughts. I'll never stop flying high and I'll never give up my happiness.
I got my second one when I was 18, my bestfriend and I walked into a tattoo shop and found the most random tattoo design we could and got them. It's special, it's for us. No matter what happens we have them, we can not talk for days and when we do its like we've never left each other's side. It will always be homeroom for she and I.
My third and fourth tattoos consist of 2 little stars, one on each wrist. Stars are wished upon, people put their hopes and dreams into them. As a writer, I can only hope and wish that my hands will always put down the thoughts,dreams, & ideas that I have swirling around in my head.

These things are now a part of me,physically that is, but they also mean something to me. Maybe you don't get that. You may consider them trite, as being an officer is not necessarily a part of who you are[though it could be] it's what you do. Don't talk down about my decisions, do not be embarrassed your girlfriend has tattoos, do not wish for them to be gone, because they aren't going anywhere, and if the going gets tough, they'll be here long after you're gone. Stop judging me. Stop judging me, when I opened my eyes to your world and became more understanding. You are not exempt from being more understanding. You need to respect people's decisions, especially someone you claim to love so much. I would expect more from a person who's own parent wasn't that supportive of a major decision that they made in their life.

You should really think about what kind of person you actually turned out to be, because it's not who you think.

xoxo L.

Just Be Quiet

2009-01-20T09:53:00.009-05:00

You may not like him.
You may think that he is wrong.
You may have wanted your maverick.
You may think he is a socialist.
You may be somehow now more afraid of a terrorist attack.
You may be a total ignorant jerk.
You may even be a blatant racist.
But what you may not be is dismissive.
You will recognize that this means so much to so many.
For little brown children all over the world.
For old black grandparents who thought this would never happen.
For white people who hoped with us.
This is not the end, but a milestone.
There is still much work to be done & if you think this means that total equality has come to America, then bless your heart, for being an optimist.
This is not to make this a race issue, as some people can't seem to accept the fact that there are real differences.
In fact it should make it easy for you since he is both African and White.
Just realize that everyone has always looked like you and to finally see someone who looks like us, makes it seem our dreams are really possible, just that much more.
In other words don't ruin this day with your fear, your indifference, your ignorance, your bigotry.

Little Girl Lost

2009-01-18T08:52:00.004-05:00

The older I seem to get, the younger I feel, mentally. Perhaps younger isn't the right word, clueless maybe. As an only child I always felt that I was inclined to be more mature than my peers with siblings, aside from those who were the oldest of the brood. Left to my own devices from a very young age I knew how to entertain myself, how to feed myself, how to navigate around the city. By 8 years old I walked to school by myself, by 11 I was taking an hour long bus ride home, by 14 I had the latest curfew out of all of my friends and by 17 I was the only one with no curfew at all. This happened because my mother felt I was able to handle myself and what the world would throw at me. I agree with her, I would have been a miserable louse had she coddled me, like some of my pathetic friends.

I had a smug, superiority about me. My parents had been together for 9 years before they got married, then 2 more years before they had me. My parents were still married, they had no other children but me. These facts surprised and mystified my friends. They of broken homes, step-siblings, affairs, and dysfunction. My parents were better than theirs. My life was better. I was better. But better is subjective, I've learned that in the last four years. I would be lying if I said I still didn't feel that my life was for the most part better than many of my friends. I am by no means rich, I live in a crappy area. However, I am so rich in standards and in thought, that it simply does not matter. I am from a family of appearances. This is what we do, this is what we don't do, that is what they do. Many things that are the norm for others, I simply cannot tolerate. My boyfriend and I even have a little ongoing joke about this, he says "cotton is cotton" when I stated I would not be putting my infants in clothing from Target, but from the same places I got my clothing Bloomingdales, The Gap, etc. Cotton is not cotton my dearest Cotton Grading (there you have it!).

Back to the main topic at hand here, my ex boyfriend was from a broken home. He has issues with marriage and commitment, hence he is my ex. I chalked many of our differences up to the fact that I came from a two parent household and he did not. To a certain extent this is correct. The more time goes on though I realize that my home life is just as shitty and confusing as that of a broken home. What is the point of being together if it is only out of spite? My father is sort of aloof, my mother is a stickler for details. She gets annoyed so easily with him when he inquires about something. Why after all these years would you get annoyed with him? You know who he is, you knew who he was in 1984 when you married him. My mother will often say "Your father tricked me into think he was a decent person." Mom, you're an asshole. How do you date someone for a decade and not have a full impression of who they are? The only person who tricked you here, was yourself. If my mom had the money I really do think she would leave my father. I don't think my father would ever leave my mother. He loves her flaws and all, my mother loves would could have been.

I almost made a serious mistake. I was with someone for a while and I felt that the next step had to be marriage. I am an extremely decisive and impatient person. I cannot even fathom how my mother and father, or anyone for that matter, could date for nine years. I don't fucking think so. You got 3 years tops with me, then you had better provide a ring or go away. If you don't know what you want by then, then you'll never know. I've always wanted to get married and I still want to, but the more time goes on the scarier it seems to me. I've always been a realist, so why am I just realizing I made myself believe in a fairytale. Like my ex boyfriend before and my parents now, our idols never disappoint us because we are the ones who put them up on a pedestal,and only we can make them fall. I can admire what they might represent, but perhaps not admire who they actually are. My boyfriend is worried I may scrap everything and just say, fuck the relationship, I worry too. I have all the faith in the world in myself, but I have so very little in others, even those I love. I am never not worried until the outcome is in front of my face. I hope I can make it until then.

This Is Fun....And Mortifying....

2009-01-15T19:40:00.005-05:00

Totes crazy! I got this survey randomly from a friend I haven't spoken to in a while and because inside I'm 12 yrs old I decided to take it:

the shitstorm aka the survey of how I lost my sanity

How did it all begin? Fucking OkCupid.com

Where did you meet? On OkCupid.com and then at PJ Clarke's in Manhattan.

When did you meet? 8/27 Interwebs & 9/3 IRL.

Was it love at first sight? I like to say I was captivated.

how old were you both? I'm 22 and he is 26.

When did you have your first kiss? After we left the bar he swept me up into his arms & kissed me.

Where was your first date? PJ Clarke's.

How long until you met the parents? I met his dad like 2 months after I think.

When was it official? Ha that's up for debate.

The good...

Whats your happiest memory of him? So far all of them are I can't pick one yet.

Whats the sweetist thing he has ever done for you? Listen to me, really listen to me.

Does he buy you lots of gifts? No, he doesn't need to

Whats your favorite thing to do together? Be together or maybe Paddy Doherty's getting drunk.

When did you know you were falling in love? About a month in I woke up one morning and he smiled and said hi & I thought "It gets no better than this" & realized I was in love.

Who said I love you first? Me.

Is it true love? Yes.

How do you know this? We just know.

The bad...

Whats his worst habit? Picking at his face!

What annoys you about him? He's closeminded sometimes.

Has he ever hurt you badly? No.

Would he ever cheat? No he wouldn't

Has he ever cheated? No.

Do you trust him? Completely.

The ugly....(why is this the ugly?)

Best facial feature? His pretty brown eyes.

Favorite part of his body? His arms.

Hair colour? Brown.

What does he smell of? Irish springs soap.

Whats he wearing when you picture him in your head? Jeans and a fitted tee.

Intimacy...

How do you feel when he holds you? Like I have no cares in the world.

How do you feel when you fall asleep and wake up in his arms? Complacent and at home.

How does it feel when he touches you? Like the first time. (Jesus I'm gay.)

Does his touch give you goose bumps? Sometimes.

Does he kiss your neck? All the time.

Your tummy? That's forbidden!

Your forehead? Yes.

Deep and meaningful...

Could you be without him? I'd rather not.

Do you think about him constantly when your apart? Define constantly...I do a lot.

How long have you been together? We're noobz.

Can you see a future together? Uh [sweating] yes.

Would you like to get married? Uh to him? Or in general...yes and yes.

Have children? Two. One named not-Sarah.

Where can you see your relationship in a years time? Still together,I highly doubt engaged.

5 years time? Married with a 1 year old. [I'm fucking specific!]

Do you know there is definatly no-one better out there for you? Relentless questioning..

How do you know this? Because I love to swallow for him!!!

Are you scared he might find someone better? Like whom? Ol' Senorita Swine in the Steel State? Me thinks no.

Is he your best friend as well as your lover? He is.

Does he come first over everyone else in your life? Except my parents sure, because my friends suck.

Would you die for him? I might kill a bitch for him, that will suffice.

On a lighter note...
Whats the funniest thing you have ever done together? We like trolling CL.

Say something that only you two understand ? I can't even write that...lol

Do you have nick names for each other? Hmm..standard shit.

Does he make you laugh? All the time.

Do you wrestle? Yeah he likes to beat his women...to tenderize them.

Is he tickelish? Yes he is.

Are you? Yes.

His Favorites...

Food? Food.

Drink? Coke Zero or any alcohol.

Sport? He's one of those weird guys that doesn't really like sports but I'd say football.

Past time? Playing video games.

Animal? I dunno..dogs?

Aftershave? Who uses that shit?

Clothing style? Whatever is on sale. [hangs head in shame]

Band? NIN

Music? Rock

Your things....

Song? It changes..

DVD? Marie Antoinette by Sofia Coppella. Oh yeah 80's music and French royalty!

Place to hang out? His house. Formerly anywhere below 14st.

Meal to cook together? They don't have kitchens in his universe.

Lasts...

Time you saw him? Wednesday morning.

Kissed him? See above.

Spoke to him? Few minutes ago.

The last text he sent you? Who fucking knows.

When will you...

See him again? Not sure.

Speak to him again? In a few minutes.

Tell him you love him again? When I see him.

Have you ever?

Spent the night together? All the time.

Celebrated a holiday together? New Years Eve.

Met his parents? I met his dad.

Had naughty time? There is never enough naughty time baby!

Made him cry? Not that I know of.

Done anything spontaneous together? Not really.

I'm a fucking sap. I just read this and I'd be surprised if Boo didn't go hide in a damn bunker.

You're a Person and I'm a Black Person. Pt. 1

2009-01-09T12:03:00.010-05:00

This first section isn't about black and white. This isn't about racism, though some may say that it could possibly be a factor. My boyfriend will be offended but I, based on my own personal experiences as a Black American, am inclined to believe that most white people are generally uneasy or apprehensive of Black people. Sorry it has to be said. If this would have happened to a white person or anyone else, I would have the same reaction, that what happens in this video is absolutely fucking ridiculous and unjust. How does one mistake a gun for a taser? I mean you had to pull it out ..had to see it..and why are you reaching for anything anyway when you have a man faced down and laying on the ground? Shot in the back..bullet ricocheted off the ground and goes back into his lungs, and there you have it. People are going to bring up things like his past jailing and whatever argument was occurring on BART [the train system in the Bay Area], but no one deserves to die the way he did.

This bothers me for personal reasons, the way we now live in a state of fear. We're all going to die someday and bad things happen all the time. If we people never did anything that involved any risk, we would all stay in the house. I can't even understand the thought process that goes behind my boyfriend telling me something along the lines of "well another terrorist attack is gonna happen and I don't want to be there when it does" there meaning Manhattan, in response to why doesn't he like going to the city. It's like what are you kidding me? I don't understand that. The media after 9/11 while of course was focused on the attacks, it disturbed me the fear that it was instilling in people with it's little "alerts". America pre-9/11 had the privilege of being untouched like many other countries have the misfortune of experiencing. This gave us this sense of invincibility that I honestly never understood and can't understand even post 9/11. Do I love my country? Sure, why not. Do I want anything bad to happen on American soil? No, and I don't want anything bad to happen on anyone else's soil either. Do I think America is the greatest country in the world? -Snort- No. Obama gave a speech recently and I keep hearing tidbits of it on the news and omg it makes me fucking cringe. You know the usual spiel "greatest schools" "greatest nation" "greatest minds" wah wah wah. What the fuck? I hate it. Call me un-Patriotic.

Sometimes my boyfriend and I have discussions [like the boyfriend before him who was also white] and sometimes he just doesn't understand things that I say. I really believe its hard for White people sometimes to understand things that would have absolutely no reason whatsoever to cross their minds. It's like when I see loud girls on the train. I've seen loud girls of every color and I would bet anyone that people would have two different reactions to a group of loud white girls and a group of loud black girls. It's the same way I feel about every action I make in public. White people simply get to be. They don't have to interpret how their actions will be received by people before they do them. They just get to walk out the house and la di da di da. Everytime I attempt this, someone reminds me I'm Black. No I don't think every white person is racist, I do think that all white people have "whiteisms" which I call ways of thinking that white people have simply and ONLY because they are white. It's not really their fault, just a byproduct of their white privilege. I would love for a white person to tell me that doesn't exist so I can make sure to never speak to them again. I do believe that America as a whole is a racist nation.

Boo,please read this link when we're together & not on your own, if you so happen to find this post before I'm at your house;I'd like to read & discuss it together. I think you will understand more of what I mean by reading this, it's written by a white guy. I simply can't agree to disagree with you on this. Why can't you get this?

For only $3.95 I Got The Bigger Size!!!!

2009-01-04T01:35:00.015-05:00

WOOOO SUPER SIZE MY HAPPINESS!!!

I managed to somehow finally shake my ex bf completely in 2008. For anyone who has known me for the past 4 years knows what a feat this is. He was like my addiction for so so long. I really thought rainbows shot out of his ass for so long and I thought I would never get over him. I kept pushing people away...that is until Boo!!!! Boo is like a wonderful fungus that just grows on you and then you want to sprinkle him in every facet of your life. I love my life now, I love him..love him..love him so fucking much! He really has no idea, I think, of how much I adore him and respect him for who he is and what he does. I'm disgusting I know, I'm going to stop talking about him...eventually.

I never had this shit before though! I thought I was in love with my ex boyfriend and you know what I was, but that immature kind of first love where you accept a person's faults begrudgingly and not because of who they are.But this is sooo different..it just goes. I've always heard that a good relationship shouldn't be hard work and I never quite understood what that meant until now because being with my ex was like being a fucking slave in ancient Egypt..hard work is an understatement.

Boo and I had our first real argument yesterday and it sucked because it was over something majorly serious. It kind of freaked me out and part of me was totally ready to walk away. Of course I would have been crushed and heartbroken but if he and I don't have any common ground on fundamental issues then this is never going to work. My reaction..of course was to put up a wall and for about 2 hrs become the exact opposite of everything he wants. That shit didn't last long because as usual he read me like a fucking book. DAMN. -sigh-

So yes, now for 2009 I would like better friends..to lose about 20lbs by June..to I have no idea but something that has to do with school. Last but not least I'd like to somehow continue tricking Boo to keep loving me so that I can become the future Mrs. Boo. Not..too..distant..future Mrs.Boo.

<3

P.s. I'm angry about some other shit regarding the racist & prejudiced nutjobs I've been encountering this past week..but that convo is for another day because I have lots of words on that shit.

My Body Is Not A Wonderland

2008-12-30T15:48:00.007-05:00

For a while I've been chastizing a friend for her prudish behavior regarding dating. I make fun of her for being guarded, for being hesistant. I've been doing this because I haven't been able to resolve things about myself. My friend and I had two different reactions, that are actually the same, to a horrible event. I talk flippantly or dismissively about things that make me uncomfortable. I brush my abortion off as a joke and while it is something that definitely affected my life, it didn't do so as strongly as being raped did.

My friend and I were both date raped probably at about the same time in our lives, but before we had even met one another. While date rape and rape are both unwanted and clearly disgusting crimes, there is I think a bit more ambiguity and blurriness that accompanies certain date rapes. This is not to say one is worse than the other, but just somehow slightly different. It's someone you know, perhaps you've been drinking, maybe you were flirting and now things have gotten out of control. You want to say no, but you were flirting too. If you were flirting doesn't that mean you want sex? You took your shirt off what else did you think was going to happen? You actually did want to have sex, but you changed your mind? It is gut wrenching. My friend is extremely apprehensive with men, she distances herself from them, she doesn't trust any easily and she can't have casual sex for fear of that happening once again. My reaction was the opposite, I gave myself so easily in the hopes that I'd never have to wrestle with the question again: You don't have to rape me boys, here it is on a platter.

I remember running out of the guy's house and it hadn't set in..until I saw a friend sitting on a bike and all he said was "Where are you coming from?" and I just fell into his arms and burst into inconsolable tears. Possibly because even then I somehow knew it's no longer about where was I coming from, but where am I going? I placed my value on my compliance, my availability,my willingness; essentially my weakness, my powerlessness, my damage. To the point where if a man actually showed some restraint, I would wonder what was wrong with them.

Men never understand this fear. They think we exaggerate. They look at you like a whore when you attempt to explain, the reaction "You must have done something." or "You could have done something to stop it." Rapes and sexual assaults are so complicated, unfortunately the only way I think men could truly understand it and how scary it is, is if they were in the position of weakness that we [women] like to pretend we aren't in. Whatever is dangerous for you, is that much more dangerous for us. Running after dark, taking the train or walking home late at night, and even simply stopping to speak to someone on the street. I remember being 14 years old on the train and I had on a tanktop and a skirt, nothing revealing just normal summer wear, and a man who had to be about 50 was jerking off literally 2 ft from me. All the while the girl sitting across from me and I would go from staring at the floor to looking each other dead in the eyes with the same look of disgust, fear, and violation.

Women can't cause this sort of fear in men, we just can't. The only way men could understand this feeling is what if a group of gay guys or one gay guy was doing these to you? Even then you still have the capability [physical that is] of fighting back on an even playing field. That is not to say women aren't capable of fighting back, but lets face it..most of us are at a disadvantage. I can't count the number of dicks I've seen exposed on the subway, being catcalled at in the street..even when looking like complete shit. Sexual assaults and rape are about power, it is not about the sex, women are not toys. We do not bring out this beast in you, a woman breastfeeding her child should not cause a man to get aroused, a girl should be able to wear a dress in the summer without fear of being felt up.

My date rape caused my view of sex to change. Sex had to become a definite in my life , so that it would not be a question. Something I could control to make up for one horrible act. Even now I make such a big deal about sex in my relationship because somehow I feel like if it isn't there, does it mean I don't want it? Am I being a bad girlfriend? Does it mean he doesn't want me? I am truly so much more than that and I honestly have to say it is because of my boyfriend that I have had this realization. He listens. He doesn't tell me what's wrong with me, he doesn't think I am an instrument in his sex life on which he can perform his sexual fantasies. I'm a living, breathing, feeling person who has someone that genuinely loves them and who I love too. He proved this to me on our very first date and although I did sleep with him I did so for a multitude of reasons, and because he wanted to wasn't one of them.

Men keep your fucking hands and penises and fetishes and fantasies and everything else to your fucking selves. I fear for my future daughter..I worry for her..when she goes from the carefree time of being a little girl and indestructible to being a woman, but I have to have hope otherwise I'd never leave the house. -sigh- I need a gun.

Thank you as usual to my love.

Gotta Get Rid Of This Shit

2008-12-18T00:10:00.018-05:00

If there's anything I want from hs, besides the hours wasted in Chemistry because I failed the fucking Chem Regents with a 62 (Can you believe that shit?) it's my hs body I want back. I'm currently in like gotta get fit mode. I'm making changes here n there, but when I feel like slippin' like today when I stared at the bowl of homemade potato salad and proceeded to rape it with my eyes...I go look at this:

Well hello there..in your size 6 jeans! Hi, there 25 inch waist and 39 inch hips. Hi, flat tummy. Hello, you beautiful,popular high school slut. Ahh those were the days of using & abusing...hosing & disposing(ooh that's catchy). Yeah I was a promiscuous nymphette who attended Catholic all girls highschool..how fucking cliche..how Gossip Girl but more low budget. I need a cig now..but I digress.

My face is still cute, a lil rounder, but you know I still look the same. The midsection,hips,ass, arms, & thighs however....just no. Damn you, Pace University for making me depressed and damn you Steve for your fucking job at an Italian restaurant. I didn't have a chance. Why isn't there a way to burn like 700 calories everytime you have sex? If that was the case, I'd be damn near fucking invisible.

By the way I'm extremely horny. GIVE IT UP BOYFRIEND OR I'M TAKIN' IT!!!!

P.S. CONGRATS BFFR ON DOING SOME HO SHIT!!!

My Dream Came True

2008-12-15T11:08:00.008-05:00

For the longest I can remember its always been the goal. He would be 5'11 ideally, but not taller than 6'1 and no shorter than 5'8. He would be a brunette with really thick hair and blue or green eyes to offset said hair. He would be in good shape, perhaps a swimmer's body..someone toned but not ripped. His two front teeth would come forward more than the rest [overbite] or maybe the bottom ones would be a little out of place because I don't like perfect teeth. He would be super sensitive, very liberal, love animals, love babies, love to go out and dance, love to run around the city with me and he would have a very large family since mine is very small. He would be as messy as I am and somewhat frazzled.

My dream man.

If someone asked me to create my own dream boyfriend and all the qualities and physical attributes I'd want him to have that would be it.

People change and people grow, but I tend to think that their ideals stay the same since they are in fact ideals, one is allowed to be so rigid because the possibility of it actually coming to fruition isn't very likely. Unless you're some kind of relentless control freak. I actually found this dream boyfriend so to speak. It was amazing, I loved him, it was everything I wanted...

...and then I realized who I was.

When I met my current boyfriend and once we actually started hanging out on a regular basis [aka pretty much from the start] I realized that dream boyfriends are much better and much safer as actual dreams. The things that were wrong with the dream boyfriend could only be put on me to a certain extent since it was I who wanted these things to begin with. Falling in love with my boyfriend has been an extremely gut wrenching and wonderful experience. This time around I know my faults & I'm not excusing them, but instead he listens to me and I want to fix them, to be better for me and for him. Loving him has made me realize that while yes I do still want some of the things in my ideal, that there are other things I would have never imagined I would love about a person until I met him,because I could have never dreamed up the exact him.I would never have realized that I love that my boyfriend is a sci-fi geek, I hate sci-fi, but I love the way his face lights up at something nerdy. I love the click-click-clicking of him playing some silly game online because even though I don't "get it", I know it makes him happy. I love the way he drops his R's and says things like "hea" instead of here. I love the way that no matter how much I move over in my sleep to get away from him, he comes right over anyway !

So, dream boyfriends should only stay in dreams..safe in your head..where they can't disappoint you. Your perfect person will have all those qualities you wanted but not in the same way you imagined. Dream of being loved, but not by the ideal. I'm glad I gave up the perfect person for someone who is instead perfect for me.

You Come Around Here Often?

2008-12-02T19:32:00.005-05:00

Well here's my little piece of the internet, besides Myspace, Facebook and various defunct dating profiles. I don't like writing in my Myspace blog anymore it just seems so...trite (thanks Lindasy Lohan). Anyway I decided to do this because shit, everyone else does, but mostly because I need to for therapeutic purposes. I don't know if anyone will read this, but it's here incase someone needs to and I am definitely sure that someone will need to eventually. No, that is not some kind of ominous warning about my impending suicide, I am too fucking lazy to do that. Moving along..

Here's a refresher course I'm 22 years old, I'm a junior in college, should be graduate of college. That latter bit is the catalyst(well not exactly there's a little something before that, but I don't know how comfortable my boyfriend is with me blabbing my personal information all over the internet even if it was prior to him) to a set of events of how my life has come to be the way it is now. Anyway blah blah I dropped out of college, got depressed, gained weight[hello beer gut!] and met what I thought was the most amazing human being on the face of the planet. I proceeded to love him and treat him like a piece of shit at the same time. Clearly I'm a wonderful bitch. Blah blah broke up..got back together...broke up. Three years of bullshit on both parts. Okay that's out of the way.

So about three months ago, I met my boyfriend. He's...interesting. The only way I can describe him and how one feels around him is seeing someone who's never held a screaming baby before and watching every inch of their body go HOLY FUCK OMG GET IT AWAY FROM ME BUT ITS SO CUTE AND IT WILL STOP EVENTUALLY!This is not to say I dislike him or obviously I wouldn't be with him. But sometimes I wonder if he's got Asperger's Syndrome. I know that is so fucking mean to say, but he's so rude. My ex bf was also one of those word-vomit people,people who just kind of say shit bluntly whenever, but never to me. I've never had a boyfriend criticize every little mark on my body or when my horrible dandruff rears its ugly head when the temperature drops drastically like it did last week, who generally makes me feel like I look like this:

Good grief. I need to do something about myself,no? I know he loves me but..please dearest work on your sensitivity and ya know all around awareness that PEOPLE HAVE FEELINGS!!! You know I think I'm going to stop for now and just finish cleaning my room. The orc made me want popcorn.